The very thought of doing anything compresses my being. There lies a heavy stone across my chest crushing and crumbling, my ribs and my heart at every heartbeat. My head throbs of a pain that radiates down my body in waves of doubt, of impending doom, of an irrational terror, of awaiting terrible painful news.
Sounds, lights, people, talk, words, movement, thoughts, scrape and wound me, they gnaw at my soul, they physically hurt my body, and I feel like I've lived a 100 years and have no strength to go on even for another second. Every day, every hour, death visits me in different forms - its either in shape of loved ones who have been lost to me, or in form of pure, unadulterated fear of losing a loved one - I can smell it around me, and I can hear it shuffling besides me, following me wherever I go.
Depression is fear. Fear of oneself, fear of others, fear of not being able to relate what one feels, fear of being stuck and fear of being paralyzed. I am paralyzed, unable to will myself to move, to shift, to alter.
I feel I'm somehow stuck in a place without a place, a kind of 'no place' and will never be able to find myself out of it.
One moment you are making coffee and talking to your coworkers about the biggest story in the headlines, and the next moment you are unable to breathe and panicking about only the Lord knows what. I would say that you might be anxious about things going on in your life (which is perfectly normal), but that you do not have an anxiety problem.
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