Grief Untold

Death is final. No one has ever been known to return to life after being dead. And that is what is most distressing and painful about it - it's finality. If life is transient then death is eternal.

Death's permanence - it's foreverness mocks our helplessness. 

It seems like I'm collecting headstones. And that too of people I love the most. How strange it is - a person who is now and here, approachable, touchable, visible isn't there in a flash of a second, is gone - but gone where? I'm left questioning my life and how I could have made a difference - death does that too. It brings upon you a veil of guilt, a maelstorm of self-implicating questions of why didn't I? or in my case why did I? There is no time for any last confessions and asking for forgiveness - but forgiveness is what I want. Forgiveness for not being there, forgiveness for being myself, forgiveness for time lost and hearts broken, forgivness for not being able to say the words I so wanted to say, forgiveness for an unappreciated love and kindness, forgiveness for all that is lost and can never be found again, no matter how hard I try.

I can never cry. And that is killng me. The frozen sadness, the untold grief, the burden of  numbed emotions, the exhausting task of trying to find meaning in a life whose pillars have gone away and are never coming back.