I RESOLVE TO:

This new year's eve my mind ruminates on the past, while my eyes are set on the future. I can't help but balance my days like a profit and loss statement. What did I gain this year? what did I lose? and how will these changes affect my life ahead? Beginnings are romantic, they are infused with hope and expectations, of good tidings, of novel and good things to come. Beginnings also compel us to start afresh, to do things we never got around to doing, completing unfinished tacks, and taking on newer challenges.

As I sit on my sofa, the minutes ticking by and taking along with them the last vestiges of the year, I can't help but feel sad. I feel sad for the time lost and days gone, for they will never return. Past is certain and assured, even an uneventful one. Future on the other hand is exciting but uncertain. Who knows what tommorrow has in store for any of us. 

Tonight, as for so many nights, I think hard as to what I must 'do' in the next year. What beginnings I want to cause and witness which would make my year more memorable, more meaningful, richer in experience, and happier in feeling.

I have come up with the following;

• Make everyday special. I would cherish the time I have with the people I love, for the sands of time are slipping through our fingers, and each new day we have fewer days remaining.
• Endeavour to be a better mother to my son. I know that I lack the essentials of being a great parent, I know that at most occasions I fail my son, I know that if I try harder I can be more present, more understanding, more loving than I am now. 
• Plant a garden. It is perhaps my age that draws me to all things natural and calming, and I hope to put my hands together and plant trees, flowers, vegetables in my new garden, and tend them with love and care.
• File all my papers (life-documents) in proper order and place them in a filing cabinet so that I don't waste an extra minute searching for a document.
• Save all the photographs onto my computer. And, make memory boxes containing pictures, mementos.
• Not complain about Pakistan and it's conditions. (tough call)
• Re-read the following: all of Shakespeare's plays, The Brother's Karamazov, War and Peace, The Sound and the Fury, The Heart of Darkness, Poetry of Emily Dickinson, Odyssey, Labryinths, Ghalib, Faraz, Faiz, Mohsin Naqvi, Parveen Shakir,  Noshi Gilani, Mir, The Quran.
• Read: books by Pat Barker, Martha Nussbaum, Peter Singer, Albert Camus, Martin Amis, Doris Lessing, Edward Said, Manto, Bano Qudsia, Mustansar Hussain Tarrar, Herodutus, Gibbons.
• Donate - some of my time, money, know-how, on making life of at least one child less harsher. (Why have I not done this yet?)
• Make amends. With situations, with people, with circumstances. 
• Be patient. And remind myself everyday of the futility of planning, for things happen when they do and we can't do much to change that. Stop trying harder. I must tell myself that not all occasions ask for concerted effort. Sometimes it's best to let go and let things take their own course. 
• Understand that meaning of my life is in living the life I have in the best possible manner. 
• Spend more time outside. Be out enjoying nature, taking long walks, watching sunrises and sunsets, savouring the quiet, letting the natural world work its soothing effect on me.
• Accept in earnest my limitations, and not push myself beyond them. We stress ourselves unduly by trying to control what is uncontrollable. We want people, situations, happenings - all as we want them to be, how it would suit ourselves. I plan to take it all in it's stride. And not blame myself for not being an ideal defined by another.
• Respect and cherish my body, and never again put it down by labelling myself as fat, unattractive. It is the only place I have to be myself and to be alive. 
• Conquer one fear every other day. Be it fear of lizards (most difficult) to learning how to swim (medium.)
• Would do more things alone. 
• Go on road trips.
• Visit Shrines of famous saints in Pakistan.
• Listen to more music, and compile my playlists (finally.)
• Spend less time on the phone playing games, and take up an actual sport. Swimming is an option.
• Catch up and keep in touch with friends and family.
• Remember my parents.
• Be a better sibling, a better friend, a better person.
• Be less angry and even less irritable.
• Be softer, gentler and KINDER.
• Give more and take less.
• Listen more and speak less.
• Share more and hoard less.
• Buy less.
• Visit more art galleries.
• Spend full days in Bookshops like 'the last word' in lahore.
• Cook again.
• Take up crafts.
• Write my journal blog every night without fail.
• Learn a new language. Spanish
• Be Loving and Caring.