To pretend to have always acted in completely moral and ethical ways would be denying a part of myself, my existence as it has been, and my past; denying my past would effectively put the present at risk and future at stake. If I say to myself - that at all points in my journey I behaved with discretion and moral righteousness I would simply be lying. For there are things, actions, behavior, thoughts, words said, that I am so afraid to tell anyone about; Afraid not only because they were wrong with the privilege of hindsight, no, because they were wrong then and I was keenly aware of the fact at the time. Such terrible acts of indiscretion we like to push somewhere deep in the corner of our memories and caverns of our mind. We would rather they stay buried and never raise their medusaean head, but that rarely happens. As we move on in life and reflect on what was we come face to face with an image of ourselves that is very dusty, corroded and festered.
The reflection in the mirror is not so inviting. It has marks of pride, scars of venom and envy, the face staring back at me has traces of hate written all over it, the eyes are hollow from searching for appreciation. There is an arrogance bordering on the obnoxious. A haughty attitude towards life in total. A superiority complex that is hard to digest and a complete disregard of people in general.
What does one do with such a legacy? And how does one reconcile with it? How do I take this baggage and put it exactly where? One never changes completely, as I write this I feel I am not talking of my distant self lost in the fugue of lost time; no, it is very good rendition of the present. Then this really isn't a legacy but a present attitude?
Times when I wasn't truly honest with others, where I misled others deliberately - where I took advantage of others puts me most to shame. Instances where I acted haughty and superior also are on the list and make me wonder what was going on in my mind at the time. And most embarrssing is when I aspired for the very things that I propounded to disparage in public! the ultimate hypocrisy.
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