Lost Control

It's a painful realization. The fact that we have no control over things, people, situations, events, outcomes, results, relationships, the weather, and our own emotions. We can plan as much as we may want to, but it is some other power that eventually decides what happens and how things turn out in the end.

I accept the fact that I have no control over what happens to me and those who are close to me; I accept the fact that 'what I may want in my life' from myself and from my child is a mere flight of fancy; I accept the fact that certain things will never turn out the way I would like them to; and this awareness of my incapcity saddens me no end - the very idea that I am helpless is frightening.

Acceptance is one thing, and continuously worrying over it, stressing over the impossibility of it all, is another. This aspect of our humanity breaks my heart and pushes me into a dark hole of depression. I don't know how others react to this phenomena, for me it is heart-wrenching.

From time immemorial humans have struggled to wield control over their environment; they have tried to master nature by praying to the sun, the moon, the earth, they have worshipped what was large and inexplicable and, what could change their surroundings and living conditions dramatically. This was their attempt to control the unpredictability of the world that they lived in, a step towards attaining power to turn situations and happenings to their liking. And this practice has continued to this day and age - humans are endlessly trying to control what is definitely evasive and elusive.

We in our Individual capacity try to do the same. We influence others in an attempt to make them do what we want them to - we may not realize that we are being manipulative, but that's the underpinning reality of all relationships and associations. As parents we try to get our children to do what we think is best for them, and at times we go over board. Children try to influence their parents to yield to their wishes. At work we try and get on the good side of the boss so we may be appreciated more, noticed more, and perhaps even promoted. I see wives around me trying to have power over their husbands - husbands wanting to control their wives.

But, the reality is that beyond a certain point we have no control over anything in life. I want to make a certain kind of person of my son, but he is who he is and all my efforts to attune him to my wishes fail miserably.