great expectations

Against all claims to the contrary, against all promises to myself never to let my guard down, against reason and intellect, against tides of emotions.... the greatest of expectations from quarters unlikely prevail upon me like a breathless night. As I ascend the stairway to the higher realms of my soul, as I move upwards into the darkenings mists and clouds of my thoughts, I lose my self, and begin to shed my garb and unviel the real me.

Who am I? and what is it that I expect from those that I love? for it is only the ones close to us that we want something from. The word 'something' is misleading for it isn't always a 'thing' that we are looking for or wanting or expecting. It is much more than a thing. It is undefinable. It is beyond solidity and materialism, and isn't in kind. We or should I just restrict the matter to myself, I want more than thing or things.

Ahhhh and what is it that 'more,' that 'great expectations?' that are so mysterious and enigmatic and so difficult to spell out and put on paper? The thing that comes in between is pride, ego, a sort of self-defence. Why must I bare myself to anyone? Why must my wants, and desires be the stuff of common knowledge, but then aren't these universal and common to all of us? I believe they are, for a part of us, the human part is needy, and wants another, expects from others, gets disappointed, gets upset, needs love and attention, wants to be wanted for without all this life becomes meaningless.

I expect all my expectations to be met, for love to be returned with love and loyalty followed suit, I expect my feelings to be respected and not brushed aside or trampled over, or ignored, I expect to be treated as though I am alive and breathing, a human being with needs, with wants, with emotions, who cannot be seen through like glass when one feels like it and pretend as if I don't exist. I expect to be appreciated and not be thought of as an ogre, or a monster who needs to be kept in check by constant pulling up. I expect to be loved, plain and simple and my time, my life, my actions, my feeling valued and validated and acknowleged.

My greatest expectation is not be thought 'invisible' when suitable, and very visible when convienient.