Is there Redemption?

Loving and the bliss of being loved is not the destiny of all. I wonder and ask myself, and question my fate - is there ever redemption in love, in loving another? Do we love for its sake, for the simple reason that we cannot excercise control over our feelings, or do we love for selfish reasons. Are we mendacious in love so that we can be loved back? Is it an urge to fulfill a primordial need to survive and procreate and thus preserve ourselves from complete annihalation? Is is it a matter of self-preservation and nothing more? I have hopes. I have dreams. I have wishes. But, then again, all that have nothing to do with what is? I still hope and believe in love and dream and wish of feelings that are beyond selfishness and mere greed. Is that foolishness and gullibility? perhaps... but then that to me defines love. I keep on, to this day in my own way, testing people whether they actually love me or not? Is that fair, certainly not, but I suppose we all do it in our own way, we have our own internal gauges that keep weighing and judging the words, actions and gestures of others and interpreting them in some love/hate graph. Maybe, not everyone is as pre-occupied with this as I am, but then we have our crazy sides, and I have only crazier ones. In this internal court of justice some people always fail and lose, and yet again we present them before us, and we keep testing them over and over again! as though, we, in our heart of hearts, dont want to believe that they can be ruthless enough, mean enough, love less enough to go this far, we want to look for and find that elusive 'love' that we are conviced is in them for us, probably hidden from themselves also just waiting to be realized and recogniszied. How pathetic and self-destructive this train of thought is, for it amounts to trying to change base metals into gold with zero results. It is alchemy of the hearts, and it does nothing but breaks hearts. I look for redemption in love in places where none can be found, and yet again, I turn back, and look, again and again..... is this a labyrinth, is this a maze, is this a limbo, is this a stairway between life and death?