In pursuit of living we lose ourselves. I believe that is the case for most of us; at some juncture we begin to feel the disconnection between our body and soul. It seems that our being is inhabiting a foreign body to which it can neither speak or relate to, to which it has has no connectivity. And we feel the worst of anathemas of the modern world - an alienation from oneself and the others around us.
The existentialists of the 20th century, particularly Jean Paul Sarte, coined the term Nausea for such an anxiety and depression and loneliness, and essentially an essence of break down of all what we had previously believed in. Religions and creeds do not carry the same weight as they did in our parent's generation, we question God more often than we look for answers within him, we have less and less faith in life after death and believe that this is it, that once we die all will end and our souls will extinguish. This indeed makes for solemn thought especially when you face an illness or when someone close to you is dying or some disaster is encountered, how do we then explain evil in the world and find solace?
We set on the course of life thinking we would have all the 'answers' to the whys at some later point, but as we go along, we come to the horrific realization that instead of answers we keep encountering more than ever confounding conundrums which become increasingly difficult to solve. But then, my stance now is - do we have to find a solution for every problem? yes, some practical ones have to sorted out and addressed, but other issues can be left unanswered, not because I want us to shy away from them, I believe we ought not to focus too much on looking for direct and practical answers for there couldn't always be simple answers anyway.
In our quest for love, for recognition, for acceptance, we tend to look towards others, we peer more into the souls of those around us than within us, and in doing so, eventually, over a period of time we lose touch with our own selves. Sounds a bit contradictory for we hear things like give and you will get more and share and your share will increase and so forth, all that is true in a charitable sense, but here I am talking more in philosophical terms. Generally, we tend to focus on others more, and less on ourselves, on what they are thinking and doing, rather than what we ought to be thinking or doing.
We concentrate, or perhaps, in my journey of life I concentrated a little too much on trying to make others do what I wanted them to do - oh, how hollow and demeaning it sounds today... it makes me feel ashamed of myself, how could I presume to myself, or think myself having the ability to make someone do what I desired them to. This is one fatal mistake I made, and I make it repeatedly. Have I now come to know myself better? Have I now reached into the recesses, those dark crevices of my soul that I kept hidden even from myself - for believe me they stink and are putrefying and rotting, because nothing good comes out of them. When we try to hide behind a façade of goodness, when we pretend to be who we are not, when we assume roles and act them out to please others, and perform parts so that at some future unknown spot of time we may be rewarded with some small gift of love and affection which is sorely absent in the present, we become severely warped and deranged. Our sense of reality is twisted and we cannot comprehend situations and people for what and who they are any more. We stop living in the present and live only in anticipation, in a world that is about to happen, that is imaginary and is being at all times played out simultaneously in the mind and is so opposite the one that is being lived in. When one's universe is lived in reverse, when future is thought about in the mind as past and remembered and felt nostalgic about, how can one find any direct semblance and connection with day to day living. I was a ghost living in a haunted house that was to be lived in the future at some time.
The most important aspect of this is that we lose our paths to our own selves. Though, we our so physically close to our souls in a way, it is after all carried in our bodies yet it is most removed from it. The sufferings of the body, its ailments, its diseases at times manifestations of souls disturbances are so misread and misunderstood by us, we simply fail in reading our own selves, what of understanding others and the world around us.
Not everyone has the perceptibility or the depth of even recognizing the very fact that one needs to know own's self - thus the famous dictum of Socrates 'KNOW THYSELF' on the walls of Plato's Academy in Athens in 4th century Greece - indicating the significance of self-inquiry. The flaws of most all tragic heroes of great dramas and of history lies in their inability to misread their own motives and misjudge their own values and wants.
What drives a man to do what at a particular given time and to precisely understand the reasons for that is a gigantic task and hence the failure. Othello and Hamlet both failed for they were unable to see in time their own faults, their own limitations and jealousies. We as people are shrouded in mysteries and ironically more to our own person than to others, at times we may become quite decipherable to others around us but remain an enigma to ourselves and that is where we stumble the most.
I am trying, as a friend suggested to make this my new year's resolution to dive into myself and get to know the deep unknown. Sounds scary for god knows what secret chambers lay hidden underneath that haven't seen the light of the day in centuries, but I am told there isn't another way for me to myself.
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