Yes I've just had one of those moments, an epiphany of sorts while reading my latest post on my blog I realized that all what I write about myself is essentially a lie, a fabrication, a story, and like all stories have elements of fiction which means its make-believe, fantastical and imaginary, and as far away from reality as possible.
One could take this in two ways, that is, if one is an intelligent reader, and of course I would never have the gumption to presume, or the guts to admit, or the courage to write, or the audacity to admit, or the sarcasm to state, or the rudeness to openly announce such a thing to my honourable reader who takes out precious time to read my lowly pieces. That I am trying to get out of admitting too much in that post, of letting the reader in a little too close towards my shell, perhaps I even opened the window of the shell a tiny bit!!!! what a sin have I committed! and how will I bear to live it? For I like to live within my own dark walls all covered and sheltered. Or the other could be that I am trying to create melodrama out of nothing at all and that would be interesting theory because I like it and somehow explains my entire life in a way....
The thing is (that is if there is a thing) the reason I say I lied or that I am a liar is that after writing that piece I came to understand one important fact.. which is quite frightening; it seems my fears are still very much there I am still scared of being alone, of being abandoned, of being left behind, of being forgotten. And because of that fear I avoid healthy, fruitful relationships, I have thought long and hard about this for some time, and its again very difficult for us to accept our own shortcomings because they tell us of our limitations which we need to overcome, which only we can help ourselves with, where no one else can be blamed, where we cannot shift the responsibility and sit back and feel sorry for ourselves.
For one or the other reason I don't know what exactly, I don't want to be in a relationship, I am happy in my current single state and want to be this way for the rest of my life, for I enjoy being my own boss, I am a very moody and lets say tumultuous person as far as personality goes and I find it hard to cope with other people or a person on a constant daily hourly basis, except of course mustafa, I am a loner, I like to be quiet and not spoken to for hours at a stretch, I hate a lot of socializing and idle talk, I love to read and be on my own. Hmmmmmm, this doesn't really make for the perfect wife material - then I must say I have a bit of a stubborn streak (yup) I am quite head strong, I'm told that I was being discarded for a newer model for I was very high handed! (so there you go) I do scream a lot if I don't get my way (hello? I never said I was nice) and I am told I get angry very easily although too be honest and here I'm not lying these are just accusations by people who want to ruin my reputation and blame me for things turning out bad, all I say to this is - Hell do I care? NO! let it be all my fault!!
But then after all I am a woman with millions of years of evolutionary instincts intuned inside my brain that instruct me subconsciously to behave and act in a certain predictable manner. The primal need to cohabitate and raise a family and one can't deny that under any circumstances so what does a woman do then?
A woman like me facing such a dilemma then chooses men who she can't possibly live with, who are non-starters to begin with, with whom she knows the relationship will sooner or later end. In other words she deliberately chooses losers, failures, and goners, men who aren't there, absentee men, men who are pre-occupied and unavailable, emotionally and physically missing in action either to other women or to drink or to friends. I think after 20 years of being with an absentee husband one should and ought to have one's full, and I have had mine.... yes, I am not ashamed to admit I still am scared of being alone, but I am alone and I am happy! and I won't give that up for any loser any time now or later so bugger off!!!
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