.......and YOU were sorely Missed...

When milestones are crossed, when sharp turns are taken, whenever a high or a low is touched - abba - my dearest father, you are missed and that too deeply. Your grand daughter's recent engagement to a handsome young man who I am very sure you would have approved very much of, was one such very important occasion. I find something very vacuous in my life at all times as if time has gone off its beaten tracks and it somehow cannot find it again even though the tracks maybe very visible or running parallel yet they cannot be treaded upon again, as if I am doomed to wander aimlessly for the rest of my life without purpose and without focus.

There were many similarities to the past, to your own wedding, your own family travelling to Lahore to get your bride from Gulberg, I remember the address - No.2 main Gulberg Lahore? She being this US returned foreign educated modern woman of the 50's and you the macho shikari- nawab with an army background!!!!! how different can we get. Here also, there are vast differences, but just as you doted on ammi and she on you these two youngsters love each other.


All through the evening I felt you close by me, no, rather next to me, and at times gazing silently from across the room, very withdrawn and quite just surveying the gathering, being there and yet removed. I couldn't fathom whether you were happy or not? You were just there in a subliminal manner.... oh How painful this is! oh how I wish to God that you could be there in person, that I could hear your voice, touch you, talk to you, tell you how lonely and alone and miserable and lost I have been feeling for the last two and half years since you've been gone. I want to let you know that I haven't know what loneliness was till the time you were gone, and now no matter who is there I am looking for you.

What I yearn for is time, is privilege to be be able to slice up some more leverage of space and age and moments from God to spend with my father, to be able to be with him, even be just quiet and say nothing and just touch him and feel safe and reassured that all will be taken care of in the end and that he too is al-right and safe and in good hands :(

I miss you all the time, and as time goes by the wound gets nastier and bloodier.... how does one deal with bereavement? where are you? for I need you more than ever now....