Am I remembering? Am I forgetting?

Who knows? At the end of a treacherous, painful, hard and suffocating 2 years, I ask myself again and again... Am I now remembering my father after months of being without him? Or, Am I forgetting him as the days pile on top of one another, and his permanence, his place in my life, his role in my scheme of things is getting hazier and hazier?

The last thing I want is to let him go - even though materially and physically and for all practical purposes he is gone my will playing no role what so ever in whatever transpires in this world. Who lives and who dies is all decided in another realm by another power and we are left standing dumbfounded, mouths gaping, eyes vacant as to what's happened - totally helpless, impotent and useless. People console themselves and others by saying that a person has played his innings, he has lived his years and therefore its an expected and an acceptable fate which must be succumbed to. I totally disagree, for emotions and feelings have rarely got anything to do with reason and logic, they just are - the place in my heart, the vacuum in my life that is now there lying vacant cannot be filled with words. I don't know what heals wounds and grief like this, for loss of a person dear to you either to death or to any other worldly thing is irreparable as far as I am concerned.