I know - this now....

Not that I need a particular reason to; not that I don't otherwise; not that I am feeling rather sad today; not that he isn't here with me always: I miss my father very much today of all the days. He has been gone a long time, an eternity, an endless succession of days and nights that seem to have stayed still and silent for me, indistinguishable from one another, an ever flowing stream or a river that never dries up just swells and settles. Today, I ask myself, if he has 'gone' then it implies that he is gone to an another place or dimension or time, some locatable place in this or any other universe, and if he is occupying some semblance of space or is existing in some unit of time, then, maybe, maybe, maybe, there is a chance of us meeting. For, today, I feel like talking to him and hearing him talking back to me, for today I want to see him with my eyes and not as an image in my mind, for today I want his presence alongside mine in the same room - solid and tangible - not a ghostly appearance in some shadowy part of my memories. But - I know now that it's not going to happen. I know now that once people leave to go, they never come back no matter how much you want them to, I know now that time that is gone is lost forever and we can never undo anything that we may or may have done. I know now that what hurts today will always hurt us no matter how much we try to mask it. I know now that life is solitary and one must take this journey alone for no one is there to go all the way...... I know - this now, he is gone never to come back again.