Violence against women is a more common phenomenon than we would like to believe as it disturbs us from our comfort zone. Here, I am particularly talking of violence in the domestic/familial set-up, or by a an intimate partner. There is violence directed against women in patriarchal societies by other male members of the family such as father, brother, uncle, son. The research cites the reason for this as both cultural and contextual - in a male dominated society women are seen merely as objects or possessions by men to be used as and when they require to suit their purposes such as in settlement of disputes of land and murder, in the name of honor, to settle matters of land ownership to stay within the family. But aggression towards women in the form of emotional, verbal and physical abuse by a significant other such as a husband/boy-friend is prevalent in both developing and developed countries. The statistics show that men hit/assault women in a number of ways repeatedly and women continue to stay put in such traumatic and injurious relationships inspite of it.
The question is why? The outsiders from their frame of reference are aghast at these women. They are angry at the victims and blame them for not getting up and leaving. But the picture that seems simple is actually very complex and like in every relationship that involves emotional and physical intimacy and has a history or children from it, it becomes increasingly difficult to wrench out, to get out of the mode that you are in and see yourself as being molested and abused which ought not be accepted under any circumstances.
It amazes me; the professions and larger than life declarations from people, both men and women, on such issues which usually goes like - you are stupid enough to love such a mean person, you are weak, you enjoy the drama, you provoke your husband so in a way its your fault and so on. We love to blame the victim simply because it is a simplistic explanation of a very enigmatic behavior which involves many factors on the part of the perpetrators of such crimes. The reasons for such destructive actions have been cited as genetic predisposition, a cultural point of view of women which does not include respect and tenderness towards women. But the major reason for this is a desire by the abuser to exert and exercise control over those whom they can and since women who are their girlfriends and wives and seen and are actually physically weaker become the first and the easiest targets. Such men have very low self-esteem or may be harboring complexes of inadequacy for a number of reasons such as economic problems, depression, may have seen their fathers abuse their mothers in their youth and hence think it permissible and acceptable behavior, and mostly they perceive the violence as provoked or the fault of the victim. Women who are abused are in a double jeopardy they lack support at home and they also are made to carry the guilt of every violent episode that happens. The simple fact is that men who hit/attack/emotionally isolate/physically hit and verbally abuse women want to be in control, and they get away with it because they can. Not only does this getting away without any repercussions happens in low income groups or developing countries or women who are disempowered, but in developed countries because this is seen mostly as a family matter and there is a stigma attached and of course shame of the victim to take positive action against it.
Why do women continue in such self-destructive bonds? Apart from obvious financial reasons there comes a question of disturbing and displacing children, most women think that living in a home where there is a father figure is preferable and healthier than living without a father even though the father is violent which is highly erroneous for it is shown by many renowned studies that a single parent home where there is love and harmony is any time better than a violent and turbulent two parent home. Another reason that people miss is that violence occurs in gaps, generally, it doesn't happen all the time and at times is followed by a period of romantic reconciliation and apology and making up by the part of the abuser, which creates excuses in the mind of the victims, they start to explain the violent episode as isolated events due to some external reason justify it or sometimes even blame themselves for inciting it. They are explained away as stress at work, not having followed the explicit orders of the husband, not listening to him and hence justify the crime to console themselves. Why do these women do that; I think the main reason is that they genuinely love their men and believe in their intrinsic goodness which they feel will manifest sooner than later for the person would ultimately realize his mistake and be repentant and change for the better for good. This isn't a dream on the part of the abused woman she believes that because it is seen that not all abusive relationships aren't abusive all the time, they are long periods of romantic and loving episodes and that or their memories of what gives hope to the woman. Another crucial question would be why even love someone who is so mean and cruel to you - and for that I'd say love is never rational or mostly isn't, it just happens and we live to bear the consequences.
What perpetual violence does to the victims is damage the basic fabric of their personality, erstwhile confidant women lose their sense of self, find it difficult to make decisions on their own, lapse into serious depression, and suffer anxiety attacks all of which aren't really considered to be real ailments meriting treatment and serious attention by the family and hence stay neglected and in-addressed. On a more deeper level such women have their spirits broken, they are rendered powerless for an assault on the human body is a human rights abuse and creates a split in the psychological trauma generally known as post traumatic disorder usually suffered by people in wars and other disaster prone areas. The women victims become isolated from other family members and friends on account of shame and lack of self respect, there occurs a disconnect between what is happening in their lives and what is the norm and they try to hide their ordeal for fear of being labelled as weak and docile. Some people even have the view that women stay in such bonds for they in a perverse mnaner enjoy being tortured and the attention that usually follows it.
My take on it is quite different, I think, women stay because they genuinely believe in their power of love, they believe that they can change such a person and make a good man out of him, they stay because they feel sorry for such a man and in an skewed way care about him the more he rejects them for we all have a basic desire to be loved and liked and hence the struggle continues....
For all what I have read on this subject I am told that once an abuser, always an abuser - such men don't mend their ways, there may be gaps in the violence but it will recur so if you are in such a situation get out, and get out fast!
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