I am not doing it any more! I have decided, I have made up my mind and I have said it's done and done for. The past has its place (where that is in my life I have yet to figure out) and I am going to keep it there, out of sight and out of thoughts.
I am sure we all have things we are ashamed of, not very proud of doing and not very happy to be reminded of - but what does one do when one's whole life is a series of such incidents! Now, before you start to feel sorry for me, or for that matter, before I start to feel sorry for myself I must elaborate a point here (that is if there is a point ever!) I am a little too self critical in case you haven't noticed yet, and the very act itself has taken an art form with people who indulge in it. It is a different kind of pride, but pride it is nonetheless - instead of gloating over all the visible successes of our lives, we harp on our failures, on the sordid twists of fate, we conjure up demons, and pretend to be mad, we aim at aiming the world against us and at time we succeed - for people like you - I mean the ones who don't need to be be felt sorry for actually start feeling sorry for the likes of us.
Self-pity is gratifying, ahhhaaa, the pleasures of afternoons, nay, days spent in wallowing on how the entire universe has worked in unison to destroy you, how the Olympian gods of yesteryears have descended once again on the paramount and have planned sieges and tricks to wile and beguile you, how you the tragic hero or heroine (in this case at least) have been mauled by the fates to be strayed from your true path and made to wander the earth fighting Cyclops and Sirens who have kept you hostage for time eternal. How the nature itself has unleashed its anger upon you so that you are left bereft of friends in this wide plain.
I am told by the masters that be - that living in the present moment is the thing to aim for, hmmmm, where else would one live if not in the present is what I'd like to put forth? or is this some other present that we are talking of? I am living and breathing at this time which by clock reads as 11.31 p.m on 11th of April, this is the only visible time at this point, do I have any choice but to live in this time or can I wilfully go back say an hour and live at 10.30 tonight all over again? So, sorry for sounding crass and coming off as a bit dull, what is this bit on living in the present?? and those of you who have a good memory please don't start quoting me on this!! for then I'l feel a little more sorry for myself!
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