What is forgiveness? What does it mean to forgive someone who has done you real and material harm? I hear unwavering speeches and admonishments, call of the soothsayers, mantra of new age gurus and advise of the psychologists that if we want to heal our wounds we must 'move on' and to truly achieve that closure we must try and forgive the person who has wronged us from the bottom of our hearts. How is that possible? can we in this short life attain that distance from our injuries to forget their cutting pain and then have the magnanimity to forgive the attacker? I, for one, find it not only hard, but impossible to do. I still nurture hatred and animosity for those who have hurt me and hurt me badly.
Though I may not be able to do much to the person who has hurt me, but the fact that I can in the solemn secret of my being curse and abuse him no end is a vindication of sorts. To deprive me of this pleasure would be rubbing salt on my wounds, so let them forget and forgive who may not have been hurt malevolently for I am not of that lot.
Why today of all days did such sombre thoughts prevail my attention is anyone's guess, but then our mind wanders in different ways.
I had a reunion of sorts with my friends today - the idea was to get together and touch base, as I hadn't seen them since the past month - it was good reconnecting, but I found it utterly exhausting! perhaps, its been a while since I spoke or listened to so much....
I couldn't work out today - somehow felt very lazy and sleepy and didn't even teach Musti. I have been feeling very bad about not getting him down and seriously coaching him, what is it that I keep doing? where does time go? when will I be fully present in my life and stop living in a kind of fugue, a haze, a mist? what is it that stops me from becoming real? Do I feel that I have already died and what lives now is just a ghost biding time to just be around Musti? am I actually here? or have I gone on a different plane from where one may be able to communicate with people on this earth but not become one of them?
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