Besides going on the stationary bike for an hour and cleaning up my room and my closet it turned out to be a rather slow and steady day. I like these kind of days when time starts to flow a little consciously and steadily, it seems that the very journey of the Sun's chariot across the sky to the west has slowed down, as though he is giving respite from the constraints of time to humans.
The Sun is also getting warmer - now I want the fan on in my room as the weather is becoming heavy and sultry, laden with humidity washing everything in a sheet of dew at night. They say this dew is excellent for the plants, lets see, for I want a lush garden by the end of this year. As I am growing older, I am getting increasingly interested in growing plants and having a garden, I think one of my dreams is to have a beautiful garden of my own where time literally halts and gives me space to breathe and be. I have always dreamt and yearned for a house, a home of my own with a garden and the good life - my good life entails living the way I want to live, having the time to do whatever it is that's important to me, and enjoy every second of it. I want to clean and cook, I want to sit out in the garden and read, I want to have a very well stocked library all for myself, and I want to be able to be relaxed enough to savor every second of this life. I think I am quite close to realizing my dream, only the garden part and the well stocked library is missing. And, of course the fact that I have stopped cooking. I used to love cooking and entertaining, now I am in awe of both. People coming to visit me invokes a kind of fear in me, I know it sounds bizarre but that's how it is - I feel I am so done with having people over for useless evenings , it just stirs up painful memories that's all I suppose.
Musti has gone out this evening and the house seems very empty and quite, Hmmm I am missing him with his boisterousness and laughter. Another pet peeve that I keep nursing is this apprehension that somehow, I am failing as a mother - I don't know quite how to shake off this self-deprecating feeling, this huge guilt, this sheer paranoia where I keep cursing and condemning myself for being a truant mother! Am I careless? am I irresponsible? am I too indulgent? am I too strict? uffff who can answer these admonishments. It is true, raising children single handedly isn't a bed of roses - it is a tough call and I hope I am doing justice to it.
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