Another day gone by.
I was up so late last night that I couldn't get up on time in the morning and got Musti late for school! Ufff, I am such a bad mother! Hate myself for this. In 7/8 years of his schooling he has been late once before and that was also when I overslept, what's the problem with me, has to be someone else's fault!!!
Yes, I am in one of those moods tonight, what to do kinda, devil may-care-attitude. And, since I am in such a nasty mood I don't have to write things to please others, I will say whatever my heart desires for it is my life and guess what? my journal entry no.4.
Anyway, why are we so concerned about pleasing other people, and usually these people are those who matter very little in our lives, they are somewhere on the fringes of our very existence and form the background against which our lives unfold, and yet they matter. For once, I don't want to be constrained about penning down what I feel at this moment. Someone sort of criticized me for posting my daily entries on to a public forum like facebook, well, my take on the idea is, once a written word is that, I mean written, it becomes public property unless the writer keeps it under lock and key (loses the purpose of writing itself) or destroys it (which a lot of writers actually do). I have no control over what I write once it is published and is on the public domain, whatever, I don't want others to know, I keep inside me, locked up forever.
I walked for an hour and a half this evening in the park, and enjoyed it to the max. For the first few rounds I was uncomfortable and tired, but then it seemed my mind emptied itself of all thought, all clamour, all chatter and my body became energized to keep going on and on. In the past couple of years I have put on a considerable amount of weight,now I don't want to sound like every woman panicking about a few ounces while she looks anorexic, my issue is genuine. It is either my state of mind, or my medicines or just wrong eating habits that have turned me into this humongous whale as if I am stocking against some impending biblical famine. I crib about this weight day and night to others and most of all to myself, it's as though I have lost my grip on myself, I have started to feel scared of my own body, I feel that it is expanding at an exponential rate and I like a bystander am paralysed, unable to do anything to stem the advance of lubber and fat! I feel ashamed of being fat (as though I didn't already have much to feel ashamed of) and we feel ashamed of things we feel guilty of, of things and actions we believe we have a hand in bringing about, and my increased weight is a statement of my losing control over my life, myself, my body.
I have also gotten ahead in reading Hafiz's poems and yes I am a convert, I can't profess to understand them yet for a long time to come, but, enjoy them and their language I do. Richard Dawkins is also waiting to be read tonight, as the whole evening I did nothing but watch the last few episodes of the drama MAAT that I have been following for some time.
How can a woman be so selfish and self centred that she is ready to leave her child for another man? I can very well understand the selfishness exhibited by men per sey but, women? somehow women especially in the role of as sister, a mother, is usually seen to be compassionate and loving.
I realized another thing today, Mustafa has an uncanny way of duping me, and making a monkey out of me. I don't even get it and he does what he wants! Nothing really bad, but still? Is it the lack of control that I am feeling tonight that's making me edgy? or is it the fact that I keep making mistakes where ever I turn and whatever I do?
My dream of the 'good life' engendered a garden in it, a house surrounded by lush green foliage filled with soothing sounds of birds chirping and water falling. I am trying to build that now, it is hard, I have limited resources but I have conviction, that somehow one way or the other I would realize my dream. The next step would be a small vegetable garden, where I could grow my own salad leaves and tomatoes! I would love that! how noble, how brilliantly relaxing it all sounds - the challenge is, is to make it all into a reality.
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