I have learnt my lesson, that is if I was meant to learn it, life is full of losses, it isn't a matter of it being fair or unfair, it's just the way it is. Having accepted this I still believe certain losses to be completely out of life's normal occurrences, they become abnormalities, eccentricities, a twist of fate, a trick of nature, perhaps a jest of fortune.
How does one begin to contemplate the ultimate loss? What happens when you experience a part of your life wither and die right in front of your eyes while you stand there watching it happen, and you are helpless, and cannot do anything to keep it from dying. I can now see myself, standing mute, shell shocked, bruised and hurt, unable to understand what had befallen me, the remote actions of other who had over night become stranger to me. A feeling of paralysis takes over me, my legs and arms feel leaden, heavy as though tons of armour has been tied to them. My throat is dry, parched, and I have problem swallowing. A fear, dark and incisive, is tearing through my chest, and my stomach feels queasy ready to throw up all its contents, for the reality nauseates me and makes me physically ill. But, in my mind's eye I am still standing and nothing is happening besides my being falling apart slowly with every tick of the clock, with every breath of anxiety, with every knot of fear that unfolds itself and then ties again ten fold in my heart. I am breaking away, slowly coming apart, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. The news has rendered me aghast. And, I have this dreadful prescience of life altering forever, of losing my own self as I knew it in the tunnel, for all times. I have to this day have to find that earlier self. For it is lost amid the ruins of what was once my life and my existence.
How will I ever accept this? How will I ever say this has happened out loud? How will the horror of this ever leave me to be what I was once? I think, no, I can't think. I vacillate between sense and unconsciousness, I am hardly there, a part of me, a very potent part of me has died. The rays of the sun filtering through the candy pink sheers have changed their hue and their warmth, I have this dreadful premonition that nothing will ever look and feel the same, the world has started to spin the opposite way and will never be put aright.
I wait, and wait. Endless hours, many days, years. For all to come back to the way it was once. But I know it never will. Still I go on waiting. Human hopes are such, so deceptive, so treacherous, so steep and dangerous. Yet we climb on them, hang on to them.... How do I untangle this web, how do I save myself from this, how do I stay intact despite these attacks on my being? How do I endure so much pain? How do I go on?
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