To be on a continuous treacherous track of MANIC phases followed by a deep surge of Depression is a state familiar to visions of hell.
When you are high, manic, and feeling like the world is your oyster, everything seems to come and fit in its place like a complete jigsaw puzzle, the picture of your life makes absolute sense, initially you feel happy, content with all what is around you and what you have and not have. Your body is with you, does not let you down and all is well. Into the Manic phase, a few days journey and things spiral, you are full of ideas, thoughts, plans, you are so creative, so fell of energy, that you can write several pages at a go all coming forth out of you like water gushing from a spring. You can read several books at a time and make sense of all of them. You can converse like an intellect and a poet and yet not feel taxed at all. You spend as if there isn't a tomorrow. Because, at that point tomorrow seems far away, every thing is about now. Past, and the future don't feature at all, this hour, this minute, this instant is all there is. A person who suffers from this kind of a malady is forever in vacillation, forever changing, never the same, as most people are - never consistent. The fact that people can live years the same way, following the same routine, doing the same thing is so very surprising and shocking to such people! How do they do that? They want that kind of stability that constant monotony that is life. There is hatred of this peak and surge of moods, of one's whole approach to life, one's whole personality.
A manic phase is like being on a constant high of some hallucinatory drug. Your feet just don't touch the ground, you are flying, talking, laughing and having a complete ball. But, that is only the first few days, then this mania takes a ghoulish form - you can't sleep (at all) you are fresh even after being up for 48-72 hours and very voluble, you can discuss anything under the sun, but you start to be irritable, your mind whirls like a cyclone, churning and heaving like pent up storm! you want to let all out, express yourself, but the erstwhile very eloquent person that you were, now, can't put two coherent sentences together. You can't think straight, and your actions verge on being self-destructive - you just want to keep taking more risks, doing things that otherwise you'd never even imaging doing! you talk rubbish, you fall into traps and you are just plain lost and are on the precipice about to plunge, fall into a dark, never ending abyss.
And, then comes the crushing blow of DEPRESSION! now, you are dead, dead as a dog, unable to get enough energy in your body to get out of bed, you feel exhausted, totally wiped out as though you have held the earth on your shoulders for an eternity, like Atlas. You don't want to meet anyone, talk to anyone for no one can understand what you feel. They may think you are moody and mean and selfish, but, its hardly that - the depression, the sadness, the grief, the sheer heaviness of pain pulls you down and drags one through the mire and dirt of fallen angels, of dashed hopes, of future's lost, of homes wrecked, of souls bruised and beaten. You are in a mode near death, and everything seems to be dark. Your life is that of a failure, you have accomplished nothing, have no hopes of doing so in the next hundred years if such a time is bestowed upon you by some benevolence of GOD. You are down and out and never coming back.
This cycle of sheer heights and whirling flights peppered with long episodes of absolute depression is what makes up the life of a manic depressive - is it a good place to be?
Comments
Post a Comment