I'm SO ANGRY!

that I could possibly kill someone with my bare hands. It's this unnerving, hidden, implicit frustrating feeling that's gnawing at my insides as though I'm being eaten alive! Not a pretty picture I know, but that is what is overcoming me at this point in time - I am livid at the world, at people, at the rains, at my house, at Musti, at myself, at my own limitations, at my actions, and mostly at my in-actions. Angry at my paralysis, at my inertia, at my frigidity, at my absolute inability to do anything!


I have come to the foregone conclusion - I hate myself. And, please don't start with me about "loving yourself before loving anyone else" and totally impossible stuff like that. I detest my dependence on people, on situations, on circumstances that have long gone, that have changed beyond recognition, that are no more! I feel I'm existing in a time warp, an eternal bubble of time which is floating in space without any purpose and direction, I am existing in time that has become a part of my past, that has ceased to be, but to which I keep reverting back to - either in reality or in dreams? for I know not!

Or is it my future that I am going forward to? Am I already propelling towards a reality that is harsh, abrasive and simply cruel? Am I going soft on the inside? Is sentimentality that I abhor finally catching up with me?

How long in world time does one require to get over and come to terms with losses beyond words, life altering and thunderous? Is it that they alter us, change us, make us different for all times to come, while we like madmen keep looking for our previous selves which just isn't? I don't have the answer to all these questions and that also make me angry - if I can't answer the questions, why do I torture myself with the questions?

The weather, I think, is taking a cue from and is turning black, clouds covering the sunny skies and heavy waters flood the air which is now heavy and full of promise. The Universe is angry for I am angry, I want to be rude to someone - someone who deserves it, I want to scream and shout, and be thought of as perfectly right in what I'm doing - I feel that I've been and am being wronged and for once I am angry at that!