I need to. Cry, howl, wail, mourn, grieve, be sad, feel lonely. That is what is normal, that is what happens when one is traumatized, when life-altering events take place and smother you, when you are besieged with pain of both kinds - emotional and physical. The human body has a threshold, and to that extent it can take pain and grief, any heart rending experience beyond that limit breaks a person's soul, literally rend it, lacerate it and shred it. What remains behind is a shadow of what was.
I wish I could let the pain that breaks my heart come out of me, take on some shape of grief and just pass away from me, leaving me light hearted, less guilty, less heavy. Are we made of some material that can absorb all and not show how much it has damaged us from inside? or is the destruction visible? Am I broken? Am I stricken down? Am I beyond repair? Large questions which require larger answers evade me at all times.
I don't want to tempt fate, never, for perhaps in the heart of hearts I am a superstitious coward. But, I want to now let go of my burden of miseries, painful memories, dashed hopes of a life - only debris is there, the home and heart broken, kicked like a sand castle, ruined and gone! all I am left with our few remnants of a life lived in some earlier times which now seems like some vague improbable dream.
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