It is said that different individuals have different ways to cope with crisis, trauma, losses, life-altering changes, and of course new to the list terror. Life of course isn't always a bed of roses, things happen, people we love die, grow old, go away from our lives, fall ill and suffer before our eyes. Divorces, separation, marital issues, financial crunch, loss of prestige and income, loss of a child and now terrible happenings in the form of senseless terrorist attacks that defy all rationality.
Everyday we wake up in this city of almost 180 million people with an expectant and lingering fear, when our children leave home for schools we are scared for them, when the men of the family go to the masjid for nimaz we are anxious and uneasy till they return. Add to this anxiety, the constant stream of news coming in from all the four corners of the country telling of more suicide attacks on schools, on places of worship mostly masjids, of people being kidnapped without a single trace. This doesn't make for a conducive and healthy environment. I believe that people of this city especially, elderly and children, suffer some form of anxiety and panic attacks - the symptoms may not be very obvious and full blown, but the fact remains - all of us are trembling, and fearful and scared at all times in an unconscious and visceral level, every person has a different threshold of taking in pain and stress - some fall apart while others are more resilient.
What is my reaction? To death and mayhem, to senseless and untimely death, to acts of cruelty and horrendous tyranny and sheer hatred - to killings of innocent children - my body and my soul reacts with an inner revulsion and revolt, my body becomes leaden and heavy with grief that can find no release and no remorse with time, I am hardly a strong person, and today's incident took its massive toll on me. My mind was in odds with my body that refused to do anything. I turned into a zombie - a half dead ghoul that roams the dark and lives in death.
How am I to feel about the attacak that came so close to home and too close to the place where our children are gathered. I have been nauseous since I heard the news and almost passed out two times. My throat felt restricted and my food-pipe all tight and shrivelled up, and I can feel the aura that precedes some form of a massive headache coming my way. My energy is drained by the vicious, almost blinding pain in between my lungs, what is the problem? Can my feeling this torn and not being able to raise my head a logical response, or perhaps, I should not even be asking these questions? I don't know. What I do know is a story of devastation, of destruction, of broken houses and wrecked cars, and above all, of ended lives and innocent deaths.
I feel as though I have been physically assaulted, hit, punched, thrown, kicked and shoved - the sound of the blast, the sheer mayhem and devastation has hit me like a machete, my body is black and blue and my soul? My soul is bruised and tender! It is lacerated, scratched, gnawed and squeezed so much that I can feel it being squished between my ribs. A fire burns in my stomach raising its fumes up to my throat and I double up in pain. My eyes water, my chest constricts, and my body becomes stiff.
I have been told time and again, that I must be strong, and I must take all in stride and accept the things I cannot change or have no control over. HUH? How does one do that? How can one go on about life in this treacherous city and not be affected? How can we stay indifferent when people are dying around us apparently for neither reason nor cause except for perhaps the power games of a few gringos.
Is this sheer indifference amongst our people towards the suffering of others just another way of coping with untold and sudden disasters? Is this a form of resistance not to let anything, no matter however disturbing to affect you? I marvel at our public, who suffers in form of all kinds of injustices and yet goes forward everyday like a mute herd of cattle, unfeeling, unmoved and unconcerned.
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