I hate them. These turbulent, hyper-volatile, heady and charged moods of mine. Threads of multiple thoughts resonating in my mind, whirling like an incessant whirlpool, going on and on and on. I think of one thing, and several others pop up and churn my brain, literally like a some dark-faced evil witch stirring her poisonous brew... I am unable to concentrate on any one thing, or think through one strain of thought, what is happening to me, I am happy, jovial, talkative and then after the high I am totally exhausted, out of air, fallen flat on my face. These intermissions of highly strung behavior take a toll on my body, it drains me and my mind and I am left all empty and vacant on the inside, full of a premonition of failure, of wanting to give up.
The days of this vivacity and tumultuous happenings gives me a high, I am on the the seventh heaven, I am lucid, very verbose and totally eloquent..give me a topic and I can talk and talk very well on it, I write like there is no tomorrow and thoughts come into my mind from God knows where?
My pace increases, every thing I see, every sound I hear, every word I speak all tends to take on a sharper edge. It is in relief, it is prominent, underlined, high-lighted whatever.
I can go for nights without sleep, be up and about and keep thinking till a point that my brain is ready to explode.
AND - when the phase passes there is complete exhaustion and hangover - and beyond the manic madness and lethargy there comes a time of pause, of calm, of poise and quietude. A time which I hence forth could not distinguish amongst the craziness and tiredness, yet I know now, of this lull, of this quietness, of almost no action, no thought, just calm and repose. I wish, and we wish for things that aren't and can't be, that I exist forever in this state of easy and soft bliss, where my mind takes in all what is without ripping it apart, without questioning every single little aspect, without trying to set the world right, without wanting life to be fair. I want to reside in that place of peace and stillness!
Comments
Post a Comment