On Feeling SICK

There are so many things making me sick to the core at the moment that I have lost count. Whichever way I turn, I am faced with unpleasantness, anger, irritation, impatience, intolerance, and plain simple hatred. What is one to do when negativity swirls doing the rounds, and has somehow settled its dusty plumage on to you. I have been chosen, picked out for all kinds of dissimilitudes, lies, and deception. I have faced rejection in the face, with a frontal blow and live to write of it, no, live to bear it in the raw.

I'm sick to the bone with 'hypocrisy' with people pretending to be something other than what they are, of affectations, of being met with pure honeyed words while being cursed at heart. I am sick of speaking lies. Yes, that's the truth, I lie all the time. I lie because I want to be another person, other than what I am. I vie for those attributes which I admire, and know with a heavy heart I am far from having. I want to show a face to the world which I wish I had. It is all an act, drama, striking a pose, a stance, a position! Is that any good?

I'm sick with pain of the heart. Sick with feeling hurt, of being sad and fearful, of having morose, vivid, strange and melancholic dreams that border on being real. I'm sick of visions from hell, from down under. I'm sick of seeing people, shadows, appearances that now hound me and I know not why follow me. I want to cut off my strings to this dark past or is it the present?

I'm also very sick of fighting for making others understand my purpose. I'm so tired of giving winding and long explanations of what is and why I behaved a certain way and what I actually meant, when you thought I meant this or that. This is tiresome and tedious business and I am poor at it for the more I try to propound and make lucid my intentions, the more my tongue thickens and turns on itself till the time all I have in my mouth is a swollen tongue and muffled sounds coming out of it! I am a bad no a horrid explainer of my point of view especially when I am put in the docks, for I suddenly develop amnesia, with high grade dyslexia!

I am sick of people and their nonsense, their unreasonable expectations, their demands, their whims and moods, their attitudes and their high flying uppity stance. I'm sick of them being always 'NARAZ' with me over one thing or another. It is either I am not making enough effort to keep in touch (hello? what about you?) or I am not responding to their texts and phone calls (like its the one call I'm allowed before being incarcerated for life) or whether I am hanging out with people I shouldn't or doing something I must not! I ask you what is the problem? I am an adult and have made several mistakes on my own, am I allowed to make some more? and by what right of election do people boss me around???

I'm sick of analysts! Please, if you have a take on my psychological condition, please either pen it down for posterity or regurgitate to someone more receptive to taking in simple bullshit for I am simply not interested. I hate it, listening to two bits of your totally inapt, off the mark opinions on who I am (hell, even I don't venture that far...) what and why I do what I do (excuse me? what are you? a mind reader?) and why (the best of all) I behave the way I do? My only response is find another suitable case for I am mad and beyond redemption of any sort.

I'm sick of people telling me what to do! How I must plan my life, what must I do to get a job, get on with life and move on (my pet peeve) how I must be open to others (why exactly is what I ask) be more receptive, not give confusing signals to men, try to get my act together, be a firmer mom, sleep early, exercise more, eat less, read less, speak even lesser, dye your hair darker, no wait!, lighter, make fewer clothes, spend less money, do this business, don't hang out with that person, don't post this picture on face book, be careful about what you spew out in your failed writings, go abroad, make a visit here and there....... be firm with your servants, write a book, don't eat anything after 8.... I can go on and on!

I'm sick of Pakistanis giving me the run-around. ufffffffffffffffffff! especially 'labor', "madame.. mein bus abhi aa raha hoon" ( prior to disappearance of 2 days minimum) "baji, mein nahi kam kar sakta mujhe ye mushkil.... (wanting a pleading of 5-10 minutes to convince that please do work here) "Baji, aaj mujhe bukhar here" (every other day?) What is one to do except pull your own hair and be left with even less than what you began with!

I am sick of not finding people I can converse with, talk to, who think alike, who are not posing or are not on some space mission absent in soul!

I am sick of men leering, groping, drooling and whimpering for women all over the place - please guys, remember you aren't DOGS!

I am sick of the light going every five minutes.

I am sick of signals which tell you how many more seconds you have to wait till they turn green ufffffffff, 99, 98, 96, 95, ....... 56, 23. what the F**K is that? whose twisted idea is this? for the wait seems eternal, never ending descent into hell!

I am sick of beggars. uffffffff a million times! yes, call me unkind, mean and a snob but I stand by what I say, I am so fed up of them wanting to literally run you down on the road! And if I am in a giving mood and give money to one, then a hundred trillion others materialize from nowhere and swarm around like an attack of killer bees.

I'm sick of garbage on the roads, the empty plots, outside large bins placed for garbage! And, I'm sick of people smoking in my face, or farther away, for the simple reason I find the smoke choking my windpipe and getting in my hair and my being - it makes me feel like a day old bonfire - nothing but burnt smell and ashes, not to mention how bad it is for me (how treacherous it is for those who smoke? hell! not my problem - they want to go put a light to their own selves is all good to me, man!)

I'm so sick of errrr......