URDU? huh? what ever for? I mean give me one good reason we should????? Exactly! My point, a hundred times over. You see Urdu is the language of the natives, the brown-colored, ill-clad, rough-shodden, pan-chewing, motor-cycle and rickshaw riding populace that exist somewhere in this country. OK... Alright, they are everywhere, all over the place swarming the roads, the shops, the bazars, the offices like locusts, yet, they are so inconsequential for you can't for the life of me tell one apart from the other!!!! Isn't that so? you know, how the Japanese and the Chinese all look the same? that way I meant hmmmm.
So, we, the upper-class (self-proclaimed,) aristocrats (more like aristocats!) rich (on loans and grafts) the fuedals of no man's land cannot obviously stoop down to 'their' level and converse in this hybrid of all languages! The origin of the language is so plebeian honey, that one must, I insist, if one belongs to the upper echelons of this glittering society refrain from even hearing it let alone uttering a word in it! The Urdu language as legend holds has its origins amongst the troops of the mercenaries armies gathered together by the many conquerors of Hindustan! So what do we the elect and the select have to do with it? But, then if the 179.9999 crores of people are twittering in this heathen language then what precautions must we take to stay clean from the epidemic! for God forbid one might in the swing of things say something or the other in Urdu and that too in company!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are so many reasons for not speaking in Urdu that the list is looking like a copy of the Encyclopedia Brittanica and that too all the editions from A-Z. But, what to me seems most pertinent and absolutely necessary are listed below:
-For your children must not confuse you with the Desi lot here in Paki land, since you have English blood somewhere running in your veins (however dubious the mix) you must maintain the English blue blood, for of course the rich and famous class of present day Pakistan are actually true bred British - its only due to a slight misunderstanding that they find themselves stuck here in this most unfortunate of lands.
How else would the rest of the people in this country feel inferior to you and look up to you. Listen, its simple, if every sentence isn't punctuated by 'dude' and 'man' and 'cool' and 'get out of here' how else? will the over hearers think highly of you? How else would you claim your upper standing and become a part of the creme de la creme' of this milky society - if you will?
Its so crass and vulgar and cheap and filmy na?? So not chic. Well, someone the other day had the cheek to ask me! "why watch hindi movies if Urdu is to be shunned?" What? I mean, what is the connection? I'm not saying I don't understand the language, err.. I do a little just to get by and the Indian movies are for fun only, you know what I don't even know half of what they say such 'hard hard words they use na'!
The most lethal of all reasons - nay - mother of all reasons to not speak Urdu. What if (shudder a trillion times and give sadqa) what if? someone from my "kitty" party group hear me talk in it "ufffffffffff hai allah OOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPSSSSSSSSSS I mean "OH GOD! what will happen then? they will to kick me out and I will not be invited to popsy's GT because there to no one even knows what Urdu is"
How will you pretend not to understand Ghalib, Mir, Faiz and Faraz? How will you look 'doe-eyed' all "parichan" (I spoke in Urdu!) here and there at the musical evening lost and forlorn when 'Dasht -e- tanhai' is sung by Tina Sani! I know, you only go for the company ( exactly like men buy Playboy magazine only for the ARTICLES)
How will you communicate in front of the servants in the house? (forget the fact that they have a grip on English these days) its so exciting na to talk in front of otherS about them and they wouldn't be the wiser! How would we ever survive in the car with the D at the wheel if not for English!
And then the how else would you avoid all the old chachas, mammas, khalas and nanis! Mummy mus have an opportunity in public explaining who Khala is " she is your mom's sister na dear"!!!!!!!!
I can go on... but you see all you British incognitos, please don't do stupid things which give you away na... like saying 'Na' after every God damn sentence, dancing the night away on Bollywood numbers with lip syncing and that knowing look in the eyes!!!! dead give away! and why swoon on Rahat Fateh Ali?? and Atif? you mad? and why watch BOL? without the sub-titles???
and.... if you laugh at the joke .... you such a maila!
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