I'm doing it too. Ufff! Never thought I'd ever feel nervous, be alarmed, actually border on paranoia on seeing shalwar-kameez clad, bearded, topi on the head, prayer- beads in hand, Taliban-style men sitting in very western sort of coffee places that have sprung in the city - BUT I was tonight. I totally freaked out (on the inside) when these two young men of the above description walked in and were seated besides our table at Butlers on Zamzama. And to make matters worse - one of them had a shopping bag full of something or the other! I thought I've had it now, soon the men will explode themselves in smithereens, and moi along with them, the fact that about 40 odd people would also be a casualty in such an eventuality somehow didn't occur to me! Such is our concern about ourselves, and such is our regard for others.
I am as human and susceptible to err as the next woman, I don't claim to be brave or courageous, on the other hand I'm rather scared and fearful and yes I'm judgmental and highly prone to ascribing stereotypes to people because that is one way I make sense of the world that I have to face. So, there, I was sitting with my friend (new) trying to make an impression, acting calm and suave (which I never am!) and here this visitation from hell descends upon me! and I am saying in my heart God Almighty - why? why? why?
See, things don't happen or not happen because we want them or not want them at a certain point in time, why they do take on a specific pattern and chronology, is anyone's guess. There might be some providential plan, some hidden agenda, some yet unknown purpose assigned by a higher being which is not plain to our limited understanding. I don't claim to be privy to any such plans, agendas and purposes - all I know from the way has 'happened' around me and to me, is that most events occur beyond our control and they have their own continuum. We may do whatever we like but we cannot master control on them.
Successful people - you know the one's who write memoirs and books about themselves and their achievements in life - always make it sound so simple and easy - they want to make us believe that starting out in life they had a clear goal and then they ticked off the 'things-to-do' list they had made to get to that goal and VIOLA' they have arrived! I hate them - the lot of them, because in hindsight, all, especially when the present is pleasant, all looks good, meaningful, somehow the unraveling of destiny and miracle of fate, our past tribulations because they are past do not seem to pain us as much and we can again in retrospect see their teaching attributes and nonsense like that. We, as humans, think we are in control and have charted out our ways and so are destined to be successful if we follow our plans. The tragedy or should I say the comedy is that our plans don't think the same way, they may happen or they may revolt so what then? How many failures, people who followed a certain planned life didn't make it in the end write books about their failures? and even if one supposes they do how many of us would care to read it?
What exactly am I rambling on about? Hmmmm, the very fact that if I had to die I would have now been history (and not to forget- breaking news) by now. I would have been pronounced DOA had I been lifted off (albeit dramatically like in the movies) and put in an ambulance (violins in the background) and taken to one of the government hospitals which I must remind you I will not be caught dead in! if I;m alive.
All I'm trying to say is that we are all scared, fretful, anxious and mildly schizophrenic in this city of death. It seems the Angel of Death has spread his wings on the populace and refuses to leave without an entourage of dead souls. How unlucky for us, to be here at this point in time, right at the mouth of death, awaiting our inevitable demise. Do I sound morose and depressed? Hell that's because I am, beyond morose and beyond depressed.
I feel guilty tonight, for feeling the way I felt on looking at those two young men, who were probably out for some shopping and dinner out - how myopic my vision - how limited my mind, but then I am human and I am scared of being declared DOA!
Comments
Post a Comment