I had thought time heals or something like that, but, in my life, time is playing a horrid trick, a cruel joke, it is as though time's taking a much planned revenge on me. And, the best part is, I haven't the faintest clue as what I am being avenged for, what dark sin have I committed for which I must be paying penance after penance, what is the unforgivable heinous act I am guilty of that must be absolved for by repetitious suffering on my part!
I had thought that time will ease the pain of losing someone, it will dull the ache of rejection, it will somehow soothe the harangues of insult and injury and once again, I will rise like a phoenix from the bloody ashes of my misfortunes; But! Alas! no such respite is mine! For I must go through anguish of loss, of being abandoned, feel the thrashes of rejection, of being made to realize how not good enough I am to be lived with and being thrust with the inassailable guilt of somehow having done some vast, vile, and grave act which I should not have done, and yet, not knowing what that act is.
I had thought that time will smother and strangulate the memory of my father, make his picture dull and faded in my mind's eye, make his voice a whisper, his eyes and his looks a mere flick of imagination, a distant, remote and long past shades of time gone by. But, Lo, and Behold! I see him with my real eyes all the more clearly, he is a resident of my home and my heart, he is forever present in my visions and my dreams. and his voice, his laughter, his gestures, his ways are here with me at all times, haunting me, pressing me to look around me and yet the real him evades me. Is this another form of torture? A pain that comes with losing a person and yet not really letting them go away and become just a memory? Is my ability to live in denial taking an insidious shape, of bringing me next to those who I'd rather forget and pack up in the deepest closet of my consciousness? Does fate and time like to play this murderous game with me at all times, so that just when I feel I am about to cross the chasm I am again beseeched by paralyzing fear!!!!
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