KNOWING............

.....that familiar feeling of being aware of some impending disaster, a certain deep rooted acknowledgment of how things will turn out and despite it continuing to exist as if that knowing isn't real, a consciousness of whats to come and yet a stronger conscious desire to mull that hidden instinct, to over-ride it, to strangulate it in its conception. To hide from a part of one's being that pulls you to that fact, or rather what would be a fact in some remote unforeseen future. And yet, all this while, all through the daily grindings of life a sense of some catastrophe which is bound to befall.

I have known this knowing, and like every other person who would look the other way when things are not really unfolding to one's liking, I have ignored, muffled up, snuffed and slobbered the signs and am paying heavily for it. I constantly unheeded any feeling of unease, any inkling of people not being who they showed themselves to be, a vision of a future where such a destruction has already taken place as a certainty, as if I have visited those devastated, empty, depressing rooms, the forsaken, and the abandoned.

Long before I came to inhabit the lonely rooms, long before I started to live the life that I am living, and long before the disappointments I am facing now, I knew. I knew that something like this would happen, hmmm, is it just that at this vantage point I can look back at some not so encouraging moments of the past and give it this grand and mysterious recognition? Am I trying to read something in those days when I never had a clue of what might transpire to give a romantic and sad elevation to whats happened to me, to some how give it a, scope of a larger than life tragedy, am I now trying to bring a grandeur to my otherwise mundane existence?