will I or won't I?

be offered a job? I don't have any high hopes, but the fact remains I need one desperately. Its now a matter of survival. Will I or won't I fight to survive or succumb to the circumstances and whimper way? But all this dramatic monologue falls flat as I do not have a choice here, I have a child to support so work I must. But, what good am I? or what can I possibly do is the big Q.

I again worked out today (so far I'm being good) and the manic phase is continuing so I could run for a bit on the treadmill and at this moment after showering with a hot cup of tea in my hand I feel elated. Its such a great high, oh actually for me its a double high!

How would it be if dinosaurs were roaming the country side - mustafa and I were wondering this afternoon, lying on my room floor. He was incredulous at my suggestion at first, then quite amused, he of course wanted to know how I plan to survive amongst the monstrous beasts and if a Ferrari would out run them. I think this survival issue is somehow lodged in both our minds. I guess the breaking up of a family punctures the fabric of things, it sort of shifts reality. What was out there, solid, our surroundings, our own identity as X person's wife and son is no more or it is not lived out in the real world. I mean our existence, mine and mustafas, have become incongruent, we are not living out the roles that we have, that of a wife and a son, someone else has taken over those roles and it is unnerving, its like losing your bearings, slipping on a wet slippery floor and all the time being aware that you are falling, but being unable to stop.

Mustafa is roaming all over the place, he is always outside playing cricket, climbing trees, running around to this and that one's house. Am I being a good mother
or am I being negligent? I can never answer that and am always beating myself for somehow falling short of what I must and can do as a mom. I feel the pangs of guilt all the time, perhaps because I have failed in the larger sense, I have failed to keep his dad from going away, that is my biggest failure as a mother, maybe I have somehow been instrumental in the breakup, and, how does one feel when you your self are the one giving your child life long pain?

I feel all my achievements, if there had been any, are worthless and I have made a mess of things, I have failed where most people have no issue, I am incapable of keeping a family together, and that has wreaked havoc on the one person whom I'd want to protect with all my might! how ironical and twisted life is!

Saw the movie 'holiday' tonight. O! its fantastic, absolutely loved it! Like Iris says in the beginning there are people who fall in love with another and then there are people like me who just fall in love on their own. People with unrequited love, we fall in love with the wrong person, we keep loving that person while they just use us and do not feel the same way and when they go away we keep telling ourselves that they will eventually see the light and come back to us! How's that for being a total failure?