inteezar.....

is a state of mind. Your whole being is in perpetual waiting, hoping, looking forward, in anticipation of lost loves coming back, of returning, of home-comings and reunions.

I wait for u abba, every evening around five, to call, to come over, to see you as if nothing had changed in the past few months, as if it was just another ordinary evening, rather a boring evening. Oh, God, what I could give to get back a few minutes of those long monotonous evenings spent with you. How precious those simple days seem now when I turn and look back, how steeped they are in love, infused with deep understanding, how wonderful they were, now that they are lost forever. How I wish I could take a turn and go back, return to u and make up for all the lost time, say all that went unsaid, listen to your stories with a little more keenness, how I wish every word u say is recorded in my memory never to be lost. Alas! it is never to be, you are no more for me to talk to, to hear, to see, to touch, to smell.

The hardest thing about accepting this is the fact that the evenings are still the same, the sun goes down at the appointed hour as it has for so long, the wind gets lighter, cooler, the sounds of birds coming home is familiar, the colorful flowers of February are blooming, the grass is verdant green, and my world as far a eyes can see looks and feels the same, except, for you. I can't shake off the feeling that you are there at home sitting in the veranda with eyes fixed on the gate waiting for us to come. You are sitting there maybe chatting with salim or his kids. How can I forget the wonderful smile on your face on seeing our car enter the gates, who can ever make me feel this loved and this wanted again?

Maybe, I miss you for selfish reasons. i just want to be loved by you and see that love displayed every time you were close. A love where my actions became irrelevant, who I was became insignificant, what I said was of no importance. A love so complete that it made what I did perfect and the right thing to do, a love so wide and over-arching that I could feel safe from all the tribulations of this world, a love so forgiving that somehow in your eyes all I did was right. I want that love back. I want to be me and be assured that whatever I am or what I am not is immaterial, I am loved and that is it, nothing more and nothing less!