A Survivor's Guide to Stay Alive in Pakistan

Get a Gun! (the bigger the better)
Join a jihadi outfit
Pretend you're deaf and dumb
Pretend you're blind!! (even better)
Agree to everything people say
Litter like theres no tomorrow
Learn to abuse in anger, happiness and otherwise (keeping the family tree in mind..)
Scowl at all possible times (smile? never)
Talk loudly on the cell while looking at others
Text while driving
Chat with people you don't know on the net
Lie and then lie some more
Make false promises
Pretend to like people till they turn their back,
Then bitch them out!
Keep a beard
Wear a hijab
Attend Quran classes
Join a committee
If you're a man, call every other man you want to please, 'Sir ji'
If you're a woman call every other woman 'darling' ??????????????
Pretend people who work for you aren't human
Be uber paranoid
Get a guard with a gun to go shopping with you
Get robbed, mugged, car jacked, shot!
Go Off-roading pretending you love nature
Buy an SUV
Do relief work, but make sure you're seen and heard!!!
Over do everything! clothes, cars, food, talk......
Show off
Tell others how much you spend on your kids (hai hai)
Look the other way
Say and believe in the mantra 'Who cares'
Join facebook,
and add random people
Over plan all possible events... mangani, shaddi, birthdays ......
Hire a professional for all possible things....dinner, dance, tailoring, cooking...
Start designing clothes
Join a gym
Practice screaming and shouting
Get an attitude ( a winner)
Bullshit
Pretend you're into cricket (what if they cheat a little?)
Stare at people at ALL times, esp at traffic stop lights (make that a hobby)
Start believing you're uber desirable (esp when you're uber not!)
Think and believe, if you're a man, that every woman wants you
Think and believe, if you're a woman, that every man is faithful
Pretend you don't speak Urdu
Brag
Have an extra-marital affair
Get a divorce
Buy the latest,largest, biggest flat TV and put it up on the wall
Buy the latest, largest and biggest of everything
Be vulgar
If you're a man start popping Viagra and pretend you're having vitamins!
If you're a woman! stay away from the carnivores mentioned above
Get depressed
Drink hard liquor
and make sure you get drunk every time
Be loud
Believe that there is a thing called 'a free lunch'
Give false compliments
When driving... HONK HONK HONK
Screech
Become a tee-totaler in ramzan
and then get wasted on Chand Raat
Stop thinking
Don't and I mean don't ever be good to anyone
Be rude
Never ever be on time
Make people wait
Act macho, if you're man and esp if you're not!
Keep at least two Sims
Hoard
Steal electricity
Wear diamonds
Streak your hair blonde! (BLEACH IT)
or even better dye it tar black
Start hatching conspiracy theories
Pretend to know everything under the sun
and make sure everyone know the above!
Actually believe Pakistan has a future
Curse the government in power
Spit
Embrace body odour!
Pretend incest doesn't ever ever happen in this pure land
Believe rape is always provoked by slutty women
Hate women who have a mind and use it
Be aggressive
Gesticulate excessively
Obsess
Completely ignore the fact that more than half the country lives in abject poverty
Give 'sadqa'
Develop a new-found love for mosquitoes, flies and other creepy crawlies
Enjoy looking at disgusting lizards and think them useful! (they eat other creepies)
Complain about life, world, roads, husbands, wives, children, weather,servants.....
Always ask 'where are you from err. like what? sindhi....?
Get hooked on Xanax
Self-diagnose
Argue for the heck of it
Bargain
Start believing in a 'pir'
Practice 'black magic'
Be pessimistic
Like Dr. Zakir Naik
Be ready to wear 'colored strips of cloth' on mehindis (if ur a man!)
Be willing to spend over 50K on every jora (if ur a woman)
Smoke like a chimney
and give a damn about second-hand smoke killing others!!! (what?)

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