NAUSEA is a state of being for me. I feel nausea, I live it and I breathe it at all hours of the day and night. What is it that brings us to this level of repulsion, disgust, anger, hatred, venom? My inside repel all that I feel all that I am or rather all that I have become. I hate everything. My being, my person, my life and how up till now I have led it reeks of filth, reeks of deception and lies, lies that I have told myself, and lies that I have lived. I am vile. Vile and depraved without any redeeming feature or any saving grace. I lived and behaved as though I wasn't a part of my own life, as if I was on the outside looking at myself playing out a role, a role that I wanted to play to satisfy the expectations of others, or no, maybe living my own expectations that I thought I should have of myself. I lived a fake life. And that fake life with a fake lubna is now taking a toll on me. I'm confused and I'm lost. Why I ask myself did I choose to live in a manner that had no relevance to me, to my job, to my home. I wanted to seem successful, I wanted to be rich, I wanted to have things, I wanted to have 'arrived' so to say. I wanted all the trappings of the 'good life' not knowing that I missed the essential ingredient of the goodness by being superficial. I thought a beautiful home, a well spread art collection, good clothes and a few trips would place me amongst the people who 'have'. I was sick. Sick to the soul. Nothing mattered to me everything was for show, for display, for exhibition.
Now in this corner I have nothing but my sick thoughts to give me company. My mind rejects me and my soul detests me, not a comfortable place to be. I feel sick to the core, I feel disgust at myself for being who I am and was and will be. I want to hide and be alone. We be all have this problem of wanting to be liked by others, admired, put up on a pedestal. And its so stupid if you actually think about it. Why must it be so important to be liked or even like your own self. What is there to like or love. Everyone is a fool, and me the biggest of all, no one really cares, people only safeguard their own interests. And the whole new age mantra of 'loving yourself' what is that? please inform me people as I am so ignorant! How do you love yourself???? that to me is the mystery of all mysteries. Is it being vain? or just thinking how wonderful you are and then feeling good about it? this new age self help rubbish is so ridiculous. How does this loving yourself happens? do you fall in love with yourself one fine day? or you decide that from now on its a brilliant idea to love yourself WHAT??? I am so not up for this. You start to rethink who you are and then it appeals to you? Its failing me even now this idea of love yourself, I'm in dire need of this formula if there is such a thing. What do u feel once you start to love yourself? does the world seem brighter? do you feel happier and fulfilled and self satisfied?
I know that sanity has left me. I am in a state of sheer melancholy, of despondency, of mad depression and it seems I'm looking into an abyss and yes its looking back at me. I am a rotten person. And this isn"t said to coax you into thinking the opposite, it is the simple truth. I lack the sensibilty to empathize, hell i cant even know and feel my own feelings let alone of others. I love to sit and be miserable, to rehearse and rethink my miseries, my lowest of lows that I have fallen to. I have no morals, I believe in nothing, I hope for nothing. It is all darkness for me and in my world and I am at home in it.
Now in this corner I have nothing but my sick thoughts to give me company. My mind rejects me and my soul detests me, not a comfortable place to be. I feel sick to the core, I feel disgust at myself for being who I am and was and will be. I want to hide and be alone. We be all have this problem of wanting to be liked by others, admired, put up on a pedestal. And its so stupid if you actually think about it. Why must it be so important to be liked or even like your own self. What is there to like or love. Everyone is a fool, and me the biggest of all, no one really cares, people only safeguard their own interests. And the whole new age mantra of 'loving yourself' what is that? please inform me people as I am so ignorant! How do you love yourself???? that to me is the mystery of all mysteries. Is it being vain? or just thinking how wonderful you are and then feeling good about it? this new age self help rubbish is so ridiculous. How does this loving yourself happens? do you fall in love with yourself one fine day? or you decide that from now on its a brilliant idea to love yourself WHAT??? I am so not up for this. You start to rethink who you are and then it appeals to you? Its failing me even now this idea of love yourself, I'm in dire need of this formula if there is such a thing. What do u feel once you start to love yourself? does the world seem brighter? do you feel happier and fulfilled and self satisfied?
I know that sanity has left me. I am in a state of sheer melancholy, of despondency, of mad depression and it seems I'm looking into an abyss and yes its looking back at me. I am a rotten person. And this isn"t said to coax you into thinking the opposite, it is the simple truth. I lack the sensibilty to empathize, hell i cant even know and feel my own feelings let alone of others. I love to sit and be miserable, to rehearse and rethink my miseries, my lowest of lows that I have fallen to. I have no morals, I believe in nothing, I hope for nothing. It is all darkness for me and in my world and I am at home in it.
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