Where are you? At times I see you clearly standing in front of me, or sitting on the sofa looking at me, but only for a moment. The minute I want to look at you again you are gone. You are so close and yet so far. I feel you around me, your presence saturating the very air I breathe and yet I am unable to behold you. In reality I know, nay, I believe that you are close to me, somewhere on the periphery of reality yet my eyes fail me.
They tell me that you are dead. 'Dead'? What is that? How cruel and callous of those who are still living to call someone that. To announce that hence forth he does not live. who has given us the right to do that? I refuse to accept this. I refuse to buy into the usual cant of people that you are dead, therefore not there and never coming back.
I know you are here. In my world, in my reality, in my consciousness , in my mind you 'are'. Alive? Dead? these are merely states aren't they? To me you exist if death means non-existence, to me you live if non-existence means dying, to me you will always be with me, if dying means never meeting you again.
Since that awful day in July last I'm feeling out of sorts as though I 'v lost my center of gravity. The blinding daylight, cold crisp air of winter, sharp evenings, yellow moonlight, waft of jasmine, all feel strange. The things I see, the people I talk to, the day to day life I live is like a dream in which I'm aware that I'm dreaming. Nights merge into days, hours melt into one another, the business of life goes on. But, for me time has stretched from that moment into this and I feel that it is still that day in July, that bloody Sunday which has gone on and on.
This letter is an admission of my firm belief that you are always next to me, by my side, in my life, sharing my thoughts, worrying for me. You know I had an Aha moment yesterday and I'm sure its after you had somehow spoken to me, the narrow staircase I was trying to climb and couldn't and was stuck at that last step, I finally took it and now I'm safe, reached my destination, I've so to say arrived! and all it took was the hand that you extended which finally pulled me up.
I always want that hand grasping mine. I always want you at the end of all stairs I take. I always want you to be there standing behind every door I open. I always want you talking to me in whatever way that I can hear and understand you, I always want you to know that you were and are and will be precious to me. I always want you to know that I love you for who you are and for what you did for me, I always want you to love me as if I'm four years old, I always want you to take care of me like you did, I always want you to have an answer to all my whys as you always had.
Please always always hold my hand and never let go.
your daughter
lubna
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