Im always feeling guilty.
I hate that damp, smothering,heavy foreboding, a sense of imminent danger lurking around me, a constant tug at my heart and mind as if im forgetting something of absolute import and must do my utmost to remember it as fast as i can lest something worse happens. Yes, it is fear, fear of the unknown and the unknowable, fear of not being able to gauge exactly where i am in my life and where is the next step taking me if anywhere?
That is guilt for you alright. But the next logical question would be what am i so guilty of?
And that opens the legendary and mythic Pandora's box quite literally!!! I am guilty of letting loose all the evil in the world! Lo and behold! I Have let on a battery of wrongs, misfortunes, I have unleashed bad karma that would now follow me through eternity!!!
You see, I feel guilty of everything whether its my fault or not and then suffer for it, it is who I am and the only way I know of how to be. I am guilty of not living up to other people's expectations, of letting myself down, Im also gulity of being a careless daughter and a mean daughter in law, a negligent sister at times, a not so fastidious mother (definitely) and obviously a terrible wife!! Then on the broader level there is the guilt of being a careless friend, a not-so- good listener, of not being truthful always, of not being 100% honest at all times, of being a bit of a sucker, of not being smart enough of not reading enough, of eating too much and so on.....
I hate that damp, smothering,heavy foreboding, a sense of imminent danger lurking around me, a constant tug at my heart and mind as if im forgetting something of absolute import and must do my utmost to remember it as fast as i can lest something worse happens. Yes, it is fear, fear of the unknown and the unknowable, fear of not being able to gauge exactly where i am in my life and where is the next step taking me if anywhere?
That is guilt for you alright. But the next logical question would be what am i so guilty of?
And that opens the legendary and mythic Pandora's box quite literally!!! I am guilty of letting loose all the evil in the world! Lo and behold! I Have let on a battery of wrongs, misfortunes, I have unleashed bad karma that would now follow me through eternity!!!
You see, I feel guilty of everything whether its my fault or not and then suffer for it, it is who I am and the only way I know of how to be. I am guilty of not living up to other people's expectations, of letting myself down, Im also gulity of being a careless daughter and a mean daughter in law, a negligent sister at times, a not so fastidious mother (definitely) and obviously a terrible wife!! Then on the broader level there is the guilt of being a careless friend, a not-so- good listener, of not being truthful always, of not being 100% honest at all times, of being a bit of a sucker, of not being smart enough of not reading enough, of eating too much and so on.....
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