Never Let Me Go

It seems like I am playing a game of chess against myself and every move I make I fall...I lose.....and I am lost.

How does one reconcile with loss and death?  we do after sometime feel in control of our feelings, and life returns resonating to its normal rhythm, yet there are moments, voids, lapses in the daily ongoings when your heart wrenches and wants to explode for the pain of those who have been lost to death and to life.

Today it is five long and short years to my father's death. At times I question as to how could 1826 days have since the last time I saw my father and heard his voice. Is there a bridge between THERE and HERE? does he cross it to come help me move on in life? I can swear on many occasions I have felt him besides me - actually holding me to traverse the chasm threatening to swallow me. I may be considered mad by all standards but those are the most precious moments to me.

the loss of those who made reality real for us, sketched the scene where we could make a life, where we could live out our lives under a canopy of love, when they go away never to come back, how are we to construct a life in that large space which they occupied????  

My dearest friend is gone somewhere where I cannot reach him. He was lost to me while he breathed and lived, but the fact that he was happy in his life and that he was there was enough. But now on his death I am deeply lost. Who will I discuss physics with now? the quantum theory, worm holes, time travel - not that I am some genius who knows much about it but enough to discuss things which cannot be usual dinner table talk. Where is he? and why cannot I talk to him. This is what is most painful about death - the unknowing, the absolute indifference of death to our quest, our thirst, our desire to know what happens after. 

perhaps there is a time outside of time, and in that time - memories, dreams, remembrances, shadows, darkness interplay - that moment is not to be held for it is but fleeting.

Despite death, despite the closed doors, despite the unknowing I know that these lost loved ones are in my horizon and are always present in this time - which is within our time.