comfortable in my Own SKIN

It hasn't been exactly a walk in the park; this getting comfortable in my own skin thing, but finally I have arrived at a place [which of course refers to a 'place' as defied by time and place] where I am content to be who I am. Hmmmmm,

There actually comes a time when the opinion of 'others' does not matter at all. We get tuned to our inner compass - I believe we all have our own compasses built-into our genetic and mental makeup, but we either lose track of it during the business of living the goals set for us by others, or never think about it. Our instincts tell us who we are; we know ourselves; but knowing oneself, and living a life authentic and attuned to that self is not something we often do, or can do in this world. The world around us sets certain standards and benchmarks for us to gauge ourselves against at all junctures of our lives; and we suffer all through trying to come up to those standards. We never pause to question whether the very same lines that I am trying to come up to is even relevant to me as a person?

It starts at birth. As parents we are forever comparing our child, maybe subconsciously, to other children - is my child the right weight? is he/she of the correct sex?? is he eating more or less and it goes ad infinitum. Finally the school teaches us little but gross and crass competition; to be 'good' is defined as beating the other, getting better grades, playing games better etc. We seldom see our children as 'individuals who may perform differently and not at the same things others do. No, that isn't an option, since we toed the line, so must our children.

I have always wanted to please others, do the right thing [whatever it was, and of course was coded by some 'other' whom I never met or knew], was afraid of authority, studied hard, made the grades and so on. After doing all the right things in the right order, I found myself arrived at a place which had no name. The feelings it imbibed in me were of being totally LOST, and disoriented. I had lost myself. I was at a juncture which was alien to me as Mars or the Moon; with a 'self' hidden in my body that I didn't recognize.

What is one to do when one has literally no options? You rely on what you have; your stripped self, and that is exactly what I did. I did this not because I was heroic or brave, it was the only path I had before me; a road less taken indeed, but a road nonetheless. I have learnt many lessons, and to be honest, I do not have the clarity of thought and eloquence of words at my disposal to even express them lucidly, or, maybe I still haven't quite understood all those lessons completely. But, one lesson is becoming clearer than ever - I am who I am, and I cannot do much but to accept and rejoice in it. This does not mean I don't have faults or I have suddenly turned narcissistic, it simply means I enjoy being me. I enjoy being me with all my limitations, with all my eccentricities, with all my misgivings, with my constant and sudden hates & loves, with the rapacity of all my passions and uncontrolled illogical thinking. For somehow, by fate or by chance, I have found my inner compass and it has pointed me in the direction that is solely mine - perhaps, not 'the right one', but mine! and it feels good!

LIKE THIS.