Times and circumstances change, people change, situations and positions we find ourselves in change, relationships end or for that matter new ones take life. At certain points times which I choose to designate as 'times like these' things happen to us and around us at a faster pace as though every motion is on a fast forward and before we are able to assimilate and intake the impact of the ongoing events they have already happened. In the passing of one moment to the next we have transformed forever into another person without even realizing it, how can this happen? and that too at this tumultuous a speed?
At times it takes us years to recognize what's brewing around us, and in us, to come to terms with our own feelings and to accept them, for doing that would mean facing our own failures and loss in life. Denial of feelings is just that; an inability to come to terms with our own wrong choices, to own up our mistakes, to accept our humanness. When we try to be other than human we turn away from our basic emotions and we make a gargantuan effort to block feelings or hide them while pretending to act normal - did I do that for the longest time in my life? perhaps I did. And it took its toll.
I now understand myself a little better if not totally, I wanted to muster control over my life, over situations that were slipping out of my hands, I am, nay, I was a fixer, a trouble shooter, so to say, I wanted to just fix everything under the sun, possibly, and the moon if I had the chance. And the fact that my marriage was not working - a relationship that I had chosen - and was failing badly in front of my very eyes, coming apart at the seams, was breaking my heart and was crushing it inside me while on the outside I kept a brave and happy face to the world believing that if I truly behaved happy on the outside somehow things will change on the inside, how naive, how silly and how stupid was I! I doubt it was mere stupidity or naivete on my part, it was sheer strategy, planned and well-arranged to make life take a certain predestined and preordained path, a road, a fate that I had decided upon and laid out - was I trying to play God? I don't know, all I can say in hindsight is that I have no more answers to the Whys? as I did then, all I know now as I did then that I believed I loved and in loving I thought I must hang on to what family I had and I firmly believed that all morality and nobility lied in me taking that course of action. Am I trying to portray myself in a better light than I ought to? or was actually in reality? I'm sure I had more selfish motives - I had the biggest fear of being abandoned, of being left behind, of being left for another, of being cheated upon, of being betrayed, and of being alone.
I tried hard, a little too hard I suppose to make things work when they were obviously not working out, I should have let go long time back, and be in peace and let others be in peace also, but I clung on and I realize now that of all the gravest mistakes that I make and all the faults I have two are most debilitating a)clinging to people who certainly don't want me, and b) denial of reality.
Once, I open my eyes up to reality and come up for air and see the actual world for what it is and the people for what they are I come out of my frozen state and act, and act I do. I have been through Times like these, yes I have - it's only a matter of time and remembering them - and understanding that I did and can come out of this tunnel as well now as I did then!
And lest I forget, 'times like these' teach us some very important lessons (ya blah blah blah I know...) what we fear at time the most as in my case was being alone, being abandoned and being left for someone else and being on my own for the rest of my life has somehow become the best part of my life and most joyful experience. I love the freedom and the space to do what and however I want to be and live my days and think and be however I want to be - for truly I am a free soul who cannot be contained! ( and want no ass## man to rule over me!!)
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