Journal Entry No. 39, 22nd/Nov/2012

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If I am to write a daily diary it certainly won't do to skip two and a half months! why have I not penned down what I felt and how my days have passed these many days? and horror of all horrors how would I ever recall the times past for my memory is failing me every day? But to be honest something went off inside me and for the life of me, I just felt some force, some wall, some blockage kept me from expressing my thoughts as if for the first time I was even afraid of my own words staring back at me, mocking me, taunting me, and making me aware of how agonizingly painful at times life is, and its strange, that just when on the outside everything seems fine and all in control, the insides are melting away, giving way just as the bank of the river is washed away with the sweep of the flood waters. But, I could just very well be lying about this whole thing, and not have felt so low as I claim I did just to get sympathy from you. I could be in a state of calm and peace and happiness but since now I'm feeling depressed and with these eyes color the days of the past - whatever the reason and there has to be one, in the past three years I have not failed to write something new every now and then but for two and half months I was completely mute, unable to talk. Why?
Am I now supposed to give a chronological report of what I have been doing? Even if you ask me to do that I wouldn't be able to able to oblige for all my days seem like one long day, and all my nights seem moulded into each other, I have monotony in my life and that is what perhaps I wanted and I love at the moment, the certainty of tomorrow being almost same as today, the assurance that my world will not suddenly collapse in the next hour, the safety of not dreading knowing what I already know for a fact, the absence of surprise. Now some you might think that is exactly what you want in life, you would love excitement, movement, spontaneity, on the spot changes, extravagance, lustre, glamor, but thank you very much, for I am done with that, I need my serenity.

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