A chance question caught me off-guard, 'how much do you miss him?' of my father who isn't here any more. The simple fact of the matter is I really don't know. Do I miss him at all to begin with? I am quite at a loss to answer that.
All I know is that there a vacuum in my life now which wasn't there before, that every time of the day after a certain revolution comes back to the epicentre that is his image clear and stark in my mind, that at single moments of hours and minutes I dwell on the possibility of where he could be at this particular point in space and time, that not one day passes by where I don't think that he and I are in some sort of circuitous connection.
Some people are more than parts of our lives, they are our lives. And I suppose our parents take that place besides perhaps our children. I am told that the biggest and the most universal force in the universe is that of gravity that pulls and pushes and warps the fabric of space time in a way that space is not uniform in shape. Larger bodies like huge stars and big planets exert extreme gravitational pull on other planets around them whilst the smaller ones have lesser power and pull understandably, this pull is so strong that it bends everything in space including light. In the same manner there is a pull exerted by some figures in our lives, over us, that they shape our daily routines, they make up for us what we think is our life, we plan our plans around them, we make concessions for their timings, we eat when they eat, we think of things too say to them, we want to make them comfortable and to do that a large part of our thoughts are taken up in doing so just as we do when we are taking care of a child. What do you when suddenly that object of all this affection and attention is taken away? You are left bewildered, shocked, and quite literally with nothing to do, as though someone has literally taken the world out of your hands and you haven't a clue what to do with yourself.
I feel I am on the high seas on a small dinghy facing the slaps of high water which is taking me I know not where. If this is missing my father then I suppose I do miss him.
Comments
Post a Comment