Somnombulance

Is this how the waking dead feel? This sleepwalking? this constant fog that descends on me and stays there behind my eyes the whole day... I feel sleepy beyond my strength to control, to keep myself awake is a task and a half, it as though I go through the day in a daze, a mist, my thoughts clouded, my intentions dull, my brain numb and my actions dead.

This happens, I believe to people under extreme stress and trauma, whereas the nights are spent alert and alarmed, thinking furiously and worrying, the days faze and dull over like an overcast sky. Is this a defence mechanism of sorts? An ardent or rather a desperate attempt of a mind beleaguered to protect itself against the sunny onslaughts of real life, of the hours of the day when all things being equal one is forced to act normal and look at life in the eye and assimilate the broken pieces and try to put something together out of nothing.

I have decided to put into action ways to shrug off this mist and stay alert. The daily exercise is helping, but I think an effort of going to bed early might do the trick, I think I am too awake and functional deep and long into the night, so that must stop.

Oh, how wonderful this all sounds! this resolve, this concrete decisive decision to do what ought to be done, to make amends to put everything right and correct! But, the fact is things don't just quite often happen on demand... there are vast tracks of time and space to be traversed and crossed... I need distance, I need the passage of time, I need an abyss, a chasm to put in between myself and my pain so that I am able to forget it if not wholly, at least partially?