I have gone off and colored my hair yet again! yes, for the umpteenth time this month I have done the deed and have proved the probable which is that when I am upset about things it is usually my hair that gets the brunt of it. So now the question remains, if I am constantly changing the color of my hair what is it saying about the state of my mind and the condition of my soul? Is it just my penchant for having the right look that's to blame or is this neurosis a real fact in in time and space? And, if I am upset or disturbed about something that is being manifested in this manner then what exactly is it? and how do I get to identify it?
The thing about human beings is they are seriously complex and complicated, their emotions, feelings, why they think and be a certain way all is hard to understand in a vacuum, everything happens in respect of something else, its co-related and connected. So perhaps to understand my state of mind I should try and analyse the events of the past few weeks. Umrah was a turning point in my life, not that I wasn't a believer before, now it is much more urgent and pressing and real - this coherent belief in One god and his messenger, a lot of my supposedly intellectual doubts have been given rest, they have subsided on their own seeming utterly superfluous in the scheme of things and the magnanimity and the sheer presence of the Supreme Being.
Coming back to my hair; my protean tendencies at present are becoming an enigma to me. Seriously I haven't a clue why I am so concerned about my hair and its color these days. Is it that the change in me that is being staged by this intense need to continuously undergo change? is it a catalyst of sorts, is it a milestone? a rite of passage? do I need to traverse this twisted path to reach to a higher place?
I was wondering today what if I am hurt by someone the same way as I was hurt earlier? Would I be stupid enough to allow anyone this close to me to let that person have that kind of immense power over me? would I be silly enough to be that vulnerable again? is this the thing that's really bothering me? The chances of this happening are next to minimal because of the walls that I have erected around the inner most part of my being, which I would never let down no matter what, at least in this life time.
I slept like a log this afternoon, it was as though I had walked a hundred miles - I was exhausted, I believe, the amount of intensive and concious thinking that I do is what tires me out, the scenarios that I play in my mind, the nagging worries of my life that cling to me like warts, the fears that have become a part of my self.
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