Finally the net is working and I can write, for a while there, I thought I would have to miss tonight and didn't feel very good about it.
There are certain things about ourselves that we aren't particularly proud of, and I have my share of those - I would rather (if I was in my normal frame of mind) not talk about some of them or most of them, but, I have chosen the unpleasant task of writing about one of my so-called bad behaviors, I won't call it a habit for that implies personality trait and way of life more than concious chosen way of behaving which in my case it is, The fact that I may not be able to do much to correct it is another story.
I have what is called typically 'avoidance' behaviors. There are times, streching anywhere from days to weeks where I would avoid certain people (randomly) certain way of acting, and adopt a totally opposite stance. And no matter how hard I may try to break out of it I can't till it has taken its own sweet time. It is kind of a fixation, a dreaded way of being, where for a specified periods of time I just withdraw from some people with whom I am quite close otherwise, or I stop doing something that I normally do in the course of things like visit the beauty salon, be with my friends etc. And, I adopt a totally opposite life style, as though for some time ( duration unknown) I have gone into hibernation and or some sanyas. I start living differently, and do different things.
How very strange a case this is. Why do I avoid certain people at certain times of my life, what is the reason? I haven't a clue. Then there is the classic not-answering-my -phone behavior which can go on for months. The weirdest thing is that I would feel bad about all this avoidance (sometimes) but I won't budge, it is as though a default button has been pressed and I am in limbo where no one can reach me. It is a mental state of sorts, where I want to disconnect with a specific reality. Different people bring about a different reality into existence, when we interact with them a unique world is created, and it is this world that I want to shun and take a break from when I begin to avoid these people.
Is this symptomatic of some insidious disease of my soul? Am I certifiably mad? or do we all go through these challenging and unfathomable terrains?
The walk in the park is helping me see clearly to a great extent. The fresh breeze, the slanting rays of the setting sun, the greenery and the foliage, the fervent chirping of the birds flying back to their nests, the monotony of the steps, all infuse a delirium in me, I feel I am there physically yet mentally and spiritually I am in some safe haven.
The Mera Saaein episodes are going on, actually I am getting exhausted watching so much hatred, dissimilitude, so much conniving and deceit, the misogynistic overtures, the very abhorrence of the 'female' is seriously taxing to watch, still it's hypnotic, just as the miseries of others always are. And, so, for all kinds of cathartic relief I go on and on watching the episodes unfold.
Haven't read much today, so on the agenda is the Henrietta Lacks book which I will talk about in detail in my next entry, suffice it is to say here, that it is very interesting and new to me for just like you I hadn't heard this name before ever.
The weather has turned warm sob sob! don't want the beautiful winter to pass into sizzling heat of summer, I can bear the heat I think,it's the humidity that is a real bummer.
I made a very concerted and concentrated effort and met my very best friend tonight after the longest time (avoidance time in full swing). And it feels wonderful to connect again.
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