Have I missed a day? or what???
Anyway, every inch of body, particularly my legs hurt! My newest exercise regimen is taking its toll on my errr...rather fuller body! (euphemistically speaking) the truth of the matter is I am hopelessly out of shape, and terribly on the fat side, if the rolls of fat on my tummy aren't proof enough, then the very fact that all my pants get stuck somewhere between my knee and my bum should do wonders!
Why do I beat myself so much? Is there a neurotic reason that I denigrate myself so? why can't I follow the mantra of all gurus and self-help doctors that pander us to 'love ourselves' as that is the first and primary step in loving others and maintaining healthy intimate relationships... hmmmmm, but what would I know about strange things like that.
There comes a time in our life when we take a long look at what's happened before, how the paths of our lives unfolded, who we were and what we have become, and what would we say to our own selves if we met a younger version of ourselves through some twist of fate or some warped laws of physics turned topsy turvy. Seriously! think about the possibility! The one thing I would certainly tell my younger self is to stay away form men, I know you would think I am obsessive about this male paranoia of mine, but I feel by doing so I would definitely save myself a lot of heartache. The thing with men is that there might be some good ones out there, and I have had good ones in my life also like my father, but, when it comes 'romantic relations' men fail for me. Some people would call me compulsive-obsessive, in need of therapy, hung-up, complexed, opinionated, frustrated whatever the epithet I don't budge from my patent motto, "stay clear of men in the long run" they may be alright for a while, but when it comes to long term relationships hell! run a million miles! I may still be lurking somewhere at the bottom of the 'actualization' ladder, and that, honey, is just fine by me, let me not be the most actualized person as envisioned by Carl Jung, but I have my own homespun philosophy for keeping my heart and soul in one piece from now on.
My experience has shown me the cruder and darker side of our characters in close relationships, what we term as 'marriage', 'love', 'bonding' are all mere words, they don't mean much for most of our lives we manoeuvre through them for selfish reasons or much of the time, societal reasons. We marry because we are told by the society that the decent and right way to be with someone is to have this stamp of approval by the herd. We marry to keep the other enslaved and enchained, we marry because we feel we can actually own a person and somehow have a personal happiness factory installed therein, the minute we realize that no such thing exists our imagined utopia's turn into hell-topias!
I think the only genuine relations that exist are between parents and children, and the buck stops there. All other relationships are selfish ans self-serving to a very great extent. Am I biased? Hell I am.
When I wasn't ruminating on interpersonal-dynamics today, I was doing what? let's see. Cleaning the closet! the number one relaxant on my list. The ultimate feeling of joy and calm one gets after throwing away old clothes and junk, the ordered way the clothes are hung and folded is bliss to me. Cleaning, has that charm for me, I can be a cleaner for a living and love every moment of it, but my deepest pleasure comes form rubbishing useless and ugly stuff, it gives me goose bumps just thinking about it! weird to say the least!
Apart from that I ate at bina's in the afternoon and the evening. She is loving to experiment and cook delicious new things and we are having a real ball. Dinner was exquisite and very authentic Thai red curry, Basil chicken and fried green bean YUMMMMMMMM..... had a ton! so much for my weight watching but guess what did not touch the white rice! I am being so bloody good, I'm having doubts about being myself? Am I really Lubna?
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