And you just know the feelings of doom, of hopelessness, of despair, of restlessness are about to take you over, and, there isnt much you can do about it. It is what one would feel at seeing a ship go under water. While you get the time to contemplate the ongoing spectacle you are literally paralyzed to the spot you're on, and no matter however much you try, you cannot do anything to save it.
Today, has been a bad day. It started with a sharp pain in my chest, a stifling anxiety that constricts my inside to the point of no return and I feel convulsed and mualed from the inside. The now, old and familiar, feelings of dread and fear are creeping up my soul just like the fog crawling up the window panes in winter. It is all enveloping, all consuming, I am scared. Scared of people who I know and not know, scared of offending them, sacred of letting them too close, scared of their person, their reactions, their attitude, their presence, and scared the most of losing them. An intrinsic fear, an underlying fear of loss, of broken ties, of bad-tidings, of disappointments, of arguments, fear of everything undesirable.
I know the darkness is coming over me, a sombre mood, a heavy head, a deep dull pain is becoming alive again and is pulling me down, slowing me down, running me down, pulling me to stop and pushing me to fall...... and the crazy part is that I can't stop it from happening, I can watch it from the sidelines and comment on it, but, I can't do anything to stop it from unfolding...
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