the sheer pain, the hurt, the disappearances, the absences, the futility of human wishes and the paralytic inability of the I in me to do anything - breaks me apart, shreds me into a million pieces, dissects me into transparencies, makes me see-through like a shadow sans any substance.
What I SEE with my naked eyes and a bare soul stays imprinted on my mind's eye but it fails to let the flood gates of tears open up and flow. Am I unfeeling? Am I contrary to what is normal and healthy human emotions? Am I made of stone, unfeeling and un moved?
My five senses and my inner soul stays on two different paths- rarely meeting each other. And, hence, the unbearable burden.
My chest constricts with pain, pain that is the crying of the soul and not the body. I may not be able to cry by shedding tears, but my cry is intangible, my soul wrenches and writhes on itself, the heavy weight on my heart becomes a boulder pressing me and not letting me breathe, I gasp for air as if I'm drowning outside of an ocean in clear space under the expansive sky.
I yearn for my father. He is no more. I cannot go to a concrete place in this time and space to meet him, to hear him talk, to be with him as I had always been. Is this the constant wailing of an immature child in me who cannot understand that people, and even parents have to go one day, and that time passes and will mend all wounds..... all this is crap and cliches to me (excuse the language) I am crying everyday and every night for my dad and with time its not getting any better - if - by better ones means that I may forget him and remember him as they say "fondly sometimes" that translates, when I have the time and luxury to pay this formal respect to the man. NO, that's not how it works for me, I want him to be in this world with me, not because this world and its revolutions are irresistible temptations, but because our paths may never cross again, in some other universe and I would be forever looking for his elusive existence in all the realms of reality I happen to wander.
I am petrified! what if? what if.... he comes alive or is in existence again at a time when I am not? What if we never are able to communicate again and the silence that has descended between us like a heavy pall never lifts up again? I am just not anxious about the fact that he is unavailable to me at present, I am scared that this stays the status quo? and I remain wandering in search of a love so unconditional, so vast, so deep, so magical, so mighty that all the seven seas mixed up together wouldn't be able to hold it.
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