UFFFFFF! I'm so out of sorts, so nervous, so unable to get grip on my feelings, so scattered and so all over the place these past few weeks! Am I, errr....I mean, is there something the matter with me? HUH? Of course not! For I'm always fine. On the face of it, I mean the face we put out to the world to see and respond to us I am forever calm and I'm in control, but on the inside a storm is unfolding, there are times and days when I'm able to master my inner turmoil that is forever raging and writhing like a trapped beast, wanting to burst through me but somehow is unable to do so. I am perhaps now tired. Tired of keeping all that is ugly, hurtful, cruel and humiliating quashed and suppressed.
It isn't because, God forbid, that I am a courageous soul or a woman of substance, he'll no! it is only because I am convinced of the fact that if ever I am to let , my guard down, if I let someone peek inside me, and witness the shame, the pain, the sheer agony of a troubled life it would be the end of me.
Can I? No, let's say would I ever? Have the plain guts to bare my soul? to put to pen what all is pent up inside me? I guess not - because there are things so vile, so malicious, so deeply manipulative and horrifically surprising that I'd rather be under six feet of mud, than admit to. Hmmm, does that portent that I am a murderer? A witch? Or a ghoul? I know not how the world will judge me, but I am quite keenly aware how I place my own self in my own estimation. We all have some hidden dark secrets, some skeletons in the closet that we aren't too proud of and rather have them buried somewhere forgotten and unrecalled, nay, almost undone - as though by sheer distance of the time between those hideous actions of ours and this present time where we are at - those very unseemly actions have faded into oblivion and now fail to exist, have somehow dissolved and finished. I feel perhaps this is the only way we can move ahead and remain sane despite our very unkind, plainly mean actions. For if we are aware of what we have done, and how we have behaved, and feel how wrong we were, we would find it impossible to continue with our own being.
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