No matter what I say. No matter what I do. No matter what I feel. Somethings, some feelings and some actions are a constant with me.
We make many false statements all the time, lie, and then tell half-truths, and turn around and lie some more - at least I do. For, the truth is so hard, so difficult, so painful, so piercingly debilitating that I'd rather live in between - in the 'land of denial.' I find solace there, because the lacerations on my body, the marks on my soul, the wounds on my heart all stay hidden.
It is a fact, love never dies, doesn't ever finish, there is no expiry date on it... for it simply is eternal, infinite, going on forever and ever even beyond space and time, beyond the known world and perhaps beside the unknown world. Love is and will always be. To talk of love as in the past is deluding your own self, an effort of trying to convince our beings that all that is -was- and somehow need not be dealt with now and today, the pain receding in the mists and fugue of age, memory and gone bys. But love will and is always.
I love and will always love those whom I chose to LOVE in the first place. What if they are dead? for death has no meaning and no relevance here, I loved, and I love and will love all mean the same one thing - the permanence of my feelings. How does it matter when people take other paths, different from the ones that I am on, or those that lead to me, what of it? I still love them they way I always did, and will ....
Of course I want to deny the above. Of course i want to be 'strong' and 'move on' with my life, of course I don't want to known in public pinning for one who clearly does not care for me - But tonight I am feeling honest. Why should I deny all what I feel? Only because it makes a sorry and pathetic figure out of me? I sound and look like a stupid woman who still hasn't gotten her piece of shit and is still reeling in-love with the man who has abused her time and again. I must lie to myself and to others, because the truth hurts, its ugly and it pinches. It is just not easy to just pick up your bags and move on? How does one move on? and move on to what?
I think if, and I don't know if I am even making sense, we are able to accept our truths, whatever they may be, then we ease off our burdens a little. maybe?
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