with one's self is painful. When I haven't spent time on my own, nay, that doesn't sound right, when I haven't spent time with myself, when I am too much with the world, when I am lost in words, in sounds, in thoughts and counter-thoughts, in visions and sensations of the world outside of myself I tend to become a stranger to myself.
Hmmm, strange isn't it? yes but true nonetheless. As of now, tonight, I find myself alone with me - weird company, uncomfortable and awkward. I have been so busy lately, so much with others that I have forgotten how to be with the one person that I must always be with - myself. My readings neglected, my thoughts abandoned, my writings left, my wanderings in the depth of my soul all forsaken for the world.
So, how do I get re-acquainted with my own person? What do I think of and about, this night which has come in-between several nights of dinners and parties and get-togethers. This thing of being with oneself and loving it is quite a dark and mysterious phenomena, you just cannot be away from yourself and then return one fin day or night and expect one's own person to be there all waiting for you. This I is very touch (pardon the pun) it cannot be ignored for days on and then called upon to open its vivid vistas of imagination, of wit, of thought and of language whenever your sweet little heart desires! If you have ignored yourself - then be prepared to be ignored by yourself!
After days and nights of being lost in the outside world I tread home tonight and find the doors to me all locked and sealed. So, there I am, standing in the dark, thrown out of myself unable to reach to those depths in my own soul that make me sing, or talk, or think or all of the three.
I have lost touch. I have lost touch with my inner self. I have lost touch with my inner self for the last one week! and lo and behold! it is avenging by not letting me in. I must pay penance and suffer.
But, to suffer isn't that easy. For I hate not being able to think, not having my wits about me, not being able to write and not being in sync with my mind and body - I feel odd, strange, somehow wrenched apart from my body and soul, a stranger to my own self.
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