Muddled UP??

ufff, I am so confused and at odds with myself! For the last two days or should I say nights I am so muddled UP! I CANNOT! yes can't think straight or obtuse or in any which way! Thoughts keep popping in my mind if that's the right word for it and yet there isn't any cohesion, any pattern, any link from one to the other, it seems as if my mind is strewn all over the place. It is like a broken eggs splattered on the floor and all squashed out of its shell, I know, not a pretty sight but no other will do.

What is a muddled up woman? anything but explicable, I must admit, for I fail to even understand this frazzled state of mine, it is being outside of yourself, being somewhere apart of your body if that does for an explanation? So, then you would rightly say it is an out of body experience which I will deny vehemently for it isn't that at all, not that I am on first name basis with that state of mind and body. It is being partly riled up and partly sad.

It isn't every day that I am sad. But since last night I am on the edge of tears, tears that never come, they are just inside me building up a storm that never lets out. I am so sad about so many things, my heart is wrenched and my breath labored, and my thoughts all going haywire contemplating the meaning of this sadness, this sheer and deep pain that pierces through me.

Is this tapping into the primal and universal consciousness that is nothing but an urge, a need, a sad whisper, a throb of wanting to be? which is essentially heart rending and nostalgic? I am sick of making sense or trying desperately to fit in by making sense? Why are we so concerned about saying profound things or wanting to show that we actually are very rational and logical? what does that do for us? why are we more esteemed in our own eyes by assuming that we make some kind of logical assertions! why can't we be mad and delusional and make absolutely no sense? and still be assertive and proud of our selves?