What happens when you are unable to pen down your mad and frantic thoughts on a daily basis in a journal dedicated to doing just that? Is this cheating? Is this non-compliance on a 24 hour basis a breach of some unwritten contract? Am I supposed to feel guilty about not keeping up an implicit promise? Am I not being honest to my own self?
All these torturous thoughts have plagued me since the last seven days, for I have been unable to come up to this column and say something! But what is one to do when one's very limited faculties refuse to cooperate and one's power of imagination goes in complete rebellion, and the ability to come up with coherent sentences goes up in the air! I have been beside myself these past few days for a number of reasons - I have had too much social contact - and that has moved and disturbed my sense of self and the world around me. WHY? because I haven't had the time of the day to think for myself. If you are constantly engaged in repartee, if your senses are otherwise engaged in listening to and processing the messages others are bombarding towards you, if there is too much noise on the outside, IT becomes impossible for someone like me, a simpleton, to think and hear my thoughts. I get lost amidst the tumult and the sounds of other people, my mind just reverberates the words and harmony or disharmony of thoughts, words, ideas, opinions, and emotions attached with all these invocations. My self is inundated with conflicting feelings, with myriads of opinions and counter-opinions and I am drained.
For me to process and to function, I must have quite reflective time on my own away from the cacophony of the world. I must take in all that I have heard and understand it, or else I cannot make sense of all what is happening around me, it is then just a jumble of wires, an entangled knot of strings that press on me and my being. For the last two weeks I have only been experiencing and haven't found the time to take in all those experiences, all the action around me has withered me, exhausted my energy, my thinking power, it has parched me of my word-power, and my ability to write.
I must now take an hiatus from doing, go into self-appointed exile, into kind of a hibernation and think, read and consume my thoughts, be with myself for some time in order to think straight.
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